Ladies, thank you for your kind wishes.
CK I am no longer hyperthyroidism but instead I now have hypothyroidism.
Its the effect of the medication. My level is now below normal which means I am gaining half a kilo a week. I feel cold all the time. etc etc etc. So I am kinda better already hehe.
Elisa I do like your suggestion getting some more fabric will make me feel better. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do any sewing since I've been off the steroid. And mee kari with kerang? Wow! Hey do you have kerang over there? None here unfortunately.
Lollies dear, don't feel so sad. Well I suppose I've had six years since I lost my mum. And yes I agree that behind every dark cloud is a silver lining. I just couldn't help laughing a little at myself, (tu lah doa mintak kurus lagi! Nak kurus tak perlu excercise tapi makan banyak ingat senang ke?) just that if our parents have a pre existing condition and if its something that can be inherited, we have to be vigilant and take good care of ourselves.
So if my clothes were loose then, now they are beginning to feel tight again. For some reason(actually I read its possibly the side effects of the steroid which the Dr said will take some time to wear off) the weight gain is centered on the center of my body ie stomach. I am just grateful that I can still fit into my baju kurungs because I truly cannot be bothered to have to make new ones.
As Atenah said before excercise, excercise, excercise. Sigh. But going to the gym means I have less time to spend in front of the PC! (Is that a good excuse or what?)
KakLela belikan Pak K jubah style apa? S@udi ke Emiriti? Style S@udi color dia macam baju Melayu atau berkolar macam kemeja. Kalau style Emirit leher dia macam baju kurung johor.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Conversation with God II – Living with Hyperthyroidism
Be careful what you ask for.
I take a personal approach when it comes to having a conversation with my creator. I often believe that he will give us what we ask for.
So after some weight gain, I asked him to please, please make it easier to slim down after my bout of weight gain. Please make it easy for me to return to my previous weight.
Of course I didn’t think much of that conversation again until much much much later.
Almost miraculously, I lost all the weight I gained. Well I did kinda lose it all magically but at a cost of course! I contracted hyperthyroidism.
At that time, I didn’t know I had hyperthyroidism. I was just feeling hot all the time. It was winter and everyone else wore jumpers and sweaters while I could stroll outside in my T shirt. But it got quite bad when I felt hot just being in my own skin. It was most uncomfortable. And then I had some itchyness. I thought it was just my eczema acting up due to the weather. But my shins and ankles were itchy as well. And I had headaches that wouldn’t quit. I had a headache that continually pounded on the left side of the head. And my heart was beating very fast, so fast that I can feel it myself.
And I was losing half a kilo a week. After about one and a half months. I began to suspect that something could be wrong. You see my mum died at age 49 due to hyperthyroidism. So I knew that this disease could run in the family. She lost quite a lot of weight and had heart palpitations. Unfortunately she saw a cardiologist about the heart palpitations but didn’t see an endocrinologist to get her hyperthyroidism diagnosed. She died of a thyroid storm. It was preventable but it was just too late. And it was entirely possible that I inherited this disease from her.
But there was one side of me that was very happy with the weight loss and wanted to lose more before seeing any doctor. So I did my own research first. With Google, anything was possible and information could be obtained at one’s own finger tips. And I had all the classic symptoms except for the goiter:
-I had a sudden weight loss even though I was eating a lot and was always hungry.
-Had the tremors and the trembles. My legs practically shook by themselves.
-My heartbeat was rapid.
-I was always nervous and was easily irritable
-I was always tired. My fatigue was just puzzling me.
-I was feeling hot all the time.
-My legs were weak. I had difficultly climbing the stairs and even onto the car.
-And I had difficulty sleeping, even when I was exhausted.
So finally we decided to chew the bullet and see a doctor about my condition. At least we can rule it out, I said. If its true I have it, we can begin treatment and if I don’t have it, we can rule it out and find out what is exactly wrong with me.
I called a friend in the medical profession which department I should ask for when requesting to see a doctor. And she advised me to ask for the Endocrinology department. We called a local clinic here and asked to see a Doctor from Internal Medicine.
Then came the day for me to see the doctor. I explained to her that I suspect that I have hyperthyroidism and that I wish to do the blood test that will determine if I do or do not have the condition.
It was all explained to me as my mum laid in a coma in the ICU 3 days before her death by the husband of a friend of mine who was a Thyroid Specialist. And I will remember that conversation I had with him just like yesterday.
“Just a simple blood test will tell us that your mum had hyperthyroidism. And hyperthyroidism is a very treatable disease. There is medication for it. But once you get a thyroid storm, it could be fatal.”
So I knew too well that if I chose to deny myself of treatment, I could follow my late mum’s fate.
Now the Doctor whom I came to see was skeptical at first. She asked me, “What makes you think you have hyperthyroidism?”
“I lost a lot of weight lately, I feel hot all the time. I have a headache that won’t quit. My heart is beating very fast. My hands are shaking. And my mother died of it.”
“Its quite rare for people to die of hyperthyroidism,” she said.
“Well she was not diagnosed and therefore was not treated for it. And she died due to a thyroid storm.”
The doctor examined me a little bit. Checked my neck for a goiter. Asked me to stretch my hands in front of me and saw them trembling. Listened to my heart. She then filled up some forms and told me to go to the lab to do a blood test.
And then I was told that I could return to discuss the results of the blood test the following day.
I guess people deal with difficulties in their lives differently. For me, the sooner I know the better. I like to make an informed choice about things. If I know it’s a problem, then its easier for me to deal with it. I just need to weigh my options, the pros and cons and also the consequences. My MIL however thought that it might comfort me to say. “Ah you probably don’t have it. It’s probably not a problem.” Which in turn perplexed me further. Because I know there is something wrong with me. And if I don’t know the cause then I’m even more upset and worried. What if its worst than what I think it is?
My hubby, thank god, was as practical as I was. He was very supportive. In fact if he didn’t urge me to see a doctor, I might have waited a few more weeks so I could lose some more weight. I was losing at the rate of a pound a week. So much so that my clothes were all getting too uncomfortably big for me.
When we saw the doctor she told me that my levels were off the chart. The range for a normal person was 12 – 22 while mine was more than 100. How much more they don’t know because they could only measure up to 100. In the meantime, I was told to do a scan to check my thyroid gland so the next cause of action could be determined.
After the scan, she told me that I must start treatment right away and prescribed me with some medication which she warned me, would be hard to get here and I should buy them whenever I can get my hands on them.
How does it feel contracting the same disease that that claimed my late mum? Well apparently this is not the first time when her history is replicated on me. I do hope that I live longer than 49 though. Because if I don’t, I have just 16 more years to live.
Please God, I hope you will give me a long life full of happiness and good health. I hope I will always have faith in you and be a good servant to you. May I grow old with my hubby and have a happy family. I am always thankful and grateful for what you have given us and hope that you will continue to bless us with good fortune, comfort, happiness, good health and wealth both in this life and the next.
So I must be careful what I ask for in life.
Because sometimes the creator grant my wishes.
Just not in the way I imagined it to be.
I take a personal approach when it comes to having a conversation with my creator. I often believe that he will give us what we ask for.
So after some weight gain, I asked him to please, please make it easier to slim down after my bout of weight gain. Please make it easy for me to return to my previous weight.
Of course I didn’t think much of that conversation again until much much much later.
Almost miraculously, I lost all the weight I gained. Well I did kinda lose it all magically but at a cost of course! I contracted hyperthyroidism.
At that time, I didn’t know I had hyperthyroidism. I was just feeling hot all the time. It was winter and everyone else wore jumpers and sweaters while I could stroll outside in my T shirt. But it got quite bad when I felt hot just being in my own skin. It was most uncomfortable. And then I had some itchyness. I thought it was just my eczema acting up due to the weather. But my shins and ankles were itchy as well. And I had headaches that wouldn’t quit. I had a headache that continually pounded on the left side of the head. And my heart was beating very fast, so fast that I can feel it myself.
And I was losing half a kilo a week. After about one and a half months. I began to suspect that something could be wrong. You see my mum died at age 49 due to hyperthyroidism. So I knew that this disease could run in the family. She lost quite a lot of weight and had heart palpitations. Unfortunately she saw a cardiologist about the heart palpitations but didn’t see an endocrinologist to get her hyperthyroidism diagnosed. She died of a thyroid storm. It was preventable but it was just too late. And it was entirely possible that I inherited this disease from her.
But there was one side of me that was very happy with the weight loss and wanted to lose more before seeing any doctor. So I did my own research first. With Google, anything was possible and information could be obtained at one’s own finger tips. And I had all the classic symptoms except for the goiter:
-I had a sudden weight loss even though I was eating a lot and was always hungry.
-Had the tremors and the trembles. My legs practically shook by themselves.
-My heartbeat was rapid.
-I was always nervous and was easily irritable
-I was always tired. My fatigue was just puzzling me.
-I was feeling hot all the time.
-My legs were weak. I had difficultly climbing the stairs and even onto the car.
-And I had difficulty sleeping, even when I was exhausted.
So finally we decided to chew the bullet and see a doctor about my condition. At least we can rule it out, I said. If its true I have it, we can begin treatment and if I don’t have it, we can rule it out and find out what is exactly wrong with me.
I called a friend in the medical profession which department I should ask for when requesting to see a doctor. And she advised me to ask for the Endocrinology department. We called a local clinic here and asked to see a Doctor from Internal Medicine.
Then came the day for me to see the doctor. I explained to her that I suspect that I have hyperthyroidism and that I wish to do the blood test that will determine if I do or do not have the condition.
It was all explained to me as my mum laid in a coma in the ICU 3 days before her death by the husband of a friend of mine who was a Thyroid Specialist. And I will remember that conversation I had with him just like yesterday.
“Just a simple blood test will tell us that your mum had hyperthyroidism. And hyperthyroidism is a very treatable disease. There is medication for it. But once you get a thyroid storm, it could be fatal.”
So I knew too well that if I chose to deny myself of treatment, I could follow my late mum’s fate.
Now the Doctor whom I came to see was skeptical at first. She asked me, “What makes you think you have hyperthyroidism?”
“I lost a lot of weight lately, I feel hot all the time. I have a headache that won’t quit. My heart is beating very fast. My hands are shaking. And my mother died of it.”
“Its quite rare for people to die of hyperthyroidism,” she said.
“Well she was not diagnosed and therefore was not treated for it. And she died due to a thyroid storm.”
The doctor examined me a little bit. Checked my neck for a goiter. Asked me to stretch my hands in front of me and saw them trembling. Listened to my heart. She then filled up some forms and told me to go to the lab to do a blood test.
And then I was told that I could return to discuss the results of the blood test the following day.
I guess people deal with difficulties in their lives differently. For me, the sooner I know the better. I like to make an informed choice about things. If I know it’s a problem, then its easier for me to deal with it. I just need to weigh my options, the pros and cons and also the consequences. My MIL however thought that it might comfort me to say. “Ah you probably don’t have it. It’s probably not a problem.” Which in turn perplexed me further. Because I know there is something wrong with me. And if I don’t know the cause then I’m even more upset and worried. What if its worst than what I think it is?
My hubby, thank god, was as practical as I was. He was very supportive. In fact if he didn’t urge me to see a doctor, I might have waited a few more weeks so I could lose some more weight. I was losing at the rate of a pound a week. So much so that my clothes were all getting too uncomfortably big for me.
When we saw the doctor she told me that my levels were off the chart. The range for a normal person was 12 – 22 while mine was more than 100. How much more they don’t know because they could only measure up to 100. In the meantime, I was told to do a scan to check my thyroid gland so the next cause of action could be determined.
After the scan, she told me that I must start treatment right away and prescribed me with some medication which she warned me, would be hard to get here and I should buy them whenever I can get my hands on them.
How does it feel contracting the same disease that that claimed my late mum? Well apparently this is not the first time when her history is replicated on me. I do hope that I live longer than 49 though. Because if I don’t, I have just 16 more years to live.
Please God, I hope you will give me a long life full of happiness and good health. I hope I will always have faith in you and be a good servant to you. May I grow old with my hubby and have a happy family. I am always thankful and grateful for what you have given us and hope that you will continue to bless us with good fortune, comfort, happiness, good health and wealth both in this life and the next.
So I must be careful what I ask for in life.
Because sometimes the creator grant my wishes.
Just not in the way I imagined it to be.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
One morning with half a dozen of S0uth Afric@n women
I’d have to admit that the African continent has been the continent I haven’t had the opportunity to visit and learn about. My curiosity about Africa was stirred few years ago after reading “The Poisonwood Bible” but I still haven’t had the chance to visit the continent.
Last week my friend J@ckie invited me over her place to do some beading. I’ve been over to her place before for a quilting session so I thought it was interesting that she decided to do some beading instead. How did I know J@ckie? Well she used to live in my compound and was good friends with J0y. They both did quilting with me and we sometimes hung out doing other stuff like bread etc. J@ckie and J0y decided to set up a business selling their handiwork and I was so excited for them.
Somehow hanging out with J@ckie and J0y makes me feel “normal.” You see because we are quilters, we love our handicraft and more importantly we are hoarders when it comes to handicraft supplies. We just love collecting fabrics, other craft supplies and books. People who don’t understand what we are about just don’t get it. They pass comments like, “Wow that’s a lot of fabrics you have.” Or the have this look on their face when they see our stuff. But hanging out with J and J, somehow its different because we all try to boost us stock, exchanging info on where to get more supplies etc. We try to eliminate “gaps” in our stash and we love all sorts of plastic boxes to store our treasures in.
Anyways I am digressing. Once I sat on the table with the five S0uth Afric@n, I had to retune my ears. I know I understand English and understood that they are speaking English but somehow the sounds came out all different and there were some words I could not recognize. And although there were six of them, all six of them had very different accents and through the course of the morning I realize that they came from different parts of S0uth Afric@ which also meant that they had very different experiences growing us. Names of places very alien to me came up like C@ape T0wn, Durb@n, Pret0ria, south versus North. I never realized this when I hung up with J@ckie all this time because her accent was rather well, normal. I guess that’s because she has an English mum and all. One of the ladies was born in Bell@russi@ so she had a very strong Russi@n accent. Another was of Indi@n Heritage.
I picked up new words like rednecks (which I think meant white people) and braai (meaning BBQ). And then there are lots of “Yaaa” all round. And “dolls” as well.
F/f/ our beading instructor for the day told us a story of how she was discriminated when growing up. Because she was the minority redneck in an Afrik@@n community, she said her school bus will drop her and her borthers off 20 km away from her home and she would need to walk the whole 20 km back home, compared to her Afrik@@n counterpart who was dropped off just outside their compound. She admits that she cannot speak Afrik@@ns and when she did try, they would laugh real hard hearing her speak.
Apartheid, Nelson Mandela and that sort of thing was just news in the TV for me but somehow hearing these ladies and their conversations brought some of that into flesh and blood for me.
But of course, my husband the cynic-realist would put things right immediately. When I told him that evening that I spent the morning with half a dozen S0uth Afric@n women he asked me,
“Just out of curiosity hon, out of the six women you met, were any of them black?”
“Errr nope of course, they were white except one of them who was of Indi@n heritage.”
But I think J@ckie mentioned something in passing to me before. That one of the reasons there are so many white S0uth Afric@ns here is that, aside from the fact that the money here is attractive, they are finding it hard to find jobs back home because they were white. Any available jobs would be offered to an Afrik@@n first.
Reverse racism I guess. But then again, surely there is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism is racism. It’s the prejudice of members of one race to members of another race.
And it seems no matter at which part of the world we are, racism and prejudice does exist. One way or another.
Along with poverty and hunger, I hope we are able to eradicate racism as well.
Last week my friend J@ckie invited me over her place to do some beading. I’ve been over to her place before for a quilting session so I thought it was interesting that she decided to do some beading instead. How did I know J@ckie? Well she used to live in my compound and was good friends with J0y. They both did quilting with me and we sometimes hung out doing other stuff like bread etc. J@ckie and J0y decided to set up a business selling their handiwork and I was so excited for them.
Somehow hanging out with J@ckie and J0y makes me feel “normal.” You see because we are quilters, we love our handicraft and more importantly we are hoarders when it comes to handicraft supplies. We just love collecting fabrics, other craft supplies and books. People who don’t understand what we are about just don’t get it. They pass comments like, “Wow that’s a lot of fabrics you have.” Or the have this look on their face when they see our stuff. But hanging out with J and J, somehow its different because we all try to boost us stock, exchanging info on where to get more supplies etc. We try to eliminate “gaps” in our stash and we love all sorts of plastic boxes to store our treasures in.
Anyways I am digressing. Once I sat on the table with the five S0uth Afric@n, I had to retune my ears. I know I understand English and understood that they are speaking English but somehow the sounds came out all different and there were some words I could not recognize. And although there were six of them, all six of them had very different accents and through the course of the morning I realize that they came from different parts of S0uth Afric@ which also meant that they had very different experiences growing us. Names of places very alien to me came up like C@ape T0wn, Durb@n, Pret0ria, south versus North. I never realized this when I hung up with J@ckie all this time because her accent was rather well, normal. I guess that’s because she has an English mum and all. One of the ladies was born in Bell@russi@ so she had a very strong Russi@n accent. Another was of Indi@n Heritage.
I picked up new words like rednecks (which I think meant white people) and braai (meaning BBQ). And then there are lots of “Yaaa” all round. And “dolls” as well.
F/f/ our beading instructor for the day told us a story of how she was discriminated when growing up. Because she was the minority redneck in an Afrik@@n community, she said her school bus will drop her and her borthers off 20 km away from her home and she would need to walk the whole 20 km back home, compared to her Afrik@@n counterpart who was dropped off just outside their compound. She admits that she cannot speak Afrik@@ns and when she did try, they would laugh real hard hearing her speak.
Apartheid, Nelson Mandela and that sort of thing was just news in the TV for me but somehow hearing these ladies and their conversations brought some of that into flesh and blood for me.
But of course, my husband the cynic-realist would put things right immediately. When I told him that evening that I spent the morning with half a dozen S0uth Afric@n women he asked me,
“Just out of curiosity hon, out of the six women you met, were any of them black?”
“Errr nope of course, they were white except one of them who was of Indi@n heritage.”
But I think J@ckie mentioned something in passing to me before. That one of the reasons there are so many white S0uth Afric@ns here is that, aside from the fact that the money here is attractive, they are finding it hard to find jobs back home because they were white. Any available jobs would be offered to an Afrik@@n first.
Reverse racism I guess. But then again, surely there is no such thing as reverse racism. Racism is racism. It’s the prejudice of members of one race to members of another race.
And it seems no matter at which part of the world we are, racism and prejudice does exist. One way or another.
Along with poverty and hunger, I hope we are able to eradicate racism as well.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Mee Kari
Dear Blog,
My husband thinks that this is blog worthy! Yesterday, I made some mee kari. Why is this blog worthy you may ask?
1. I havent cooked anything for the longest time ever.
2. If I did cook I seldom cooked kari.
3. And More seldom that I cook with santan. (except that kuih bakar ;))
4. It was my first attempt at making mee kari.
Now where I come from, I never did eat mee kari when growing up. The first time I tasted mee kari was from the Mak Long's (hubby's) house for one Raya.
However, just a few weeks ago we went to Kak Pip's house and she made for us some mee kari which was yummy! Dengan tak malunya saya makan 2 kali! Once during lunch and one more time during dinner and would have wanted to ta pau more home but was rather too embarrassed because she had her son's friends over that night.
Since Kak Pip has flown back to KL for her vacation I surfed some recipes on Mesra.net. Looked at the different recipes and different ingredients, took a deep breath and then warned my hubby.
This will be my first time cooking mee kari so I hope you'll understand if it isn't as nice as Kak Pip's.
My ingredients:
1 red onion
1 stalk of frozen almost dried out bunga kantan
1 frozen and very hard galangal
A few frozen kaffir lime leaves
some garlic
1 pack of small diced lean beef
about 4 table spoons of Adabi Kari Ayam & daging
(half used to marinade the beef)
1 cube Maggi chicken stock
1 cube Maggi Tamarind stock
1 pack of Rasaku Instant Kari Ayam
1 can of coconut milk aka santan
2 stalks of lemongrass fresh from my backyard
1 pack of frozen deep fried tofu
For garnishing
some cut chillies
Beansprouts which I didn't find and replaced with thinly sliced cucumbers
Method
Heat some oil in the pot. Fry the thinly sliced onion until brown. Add in the curry powder, thinly sliced bunga kantan, the gelangal and the lemongrass and fry until fragrant. Add the marinated beef. fry for 2 more minutes then add some water. Add the Rasaku mix. Add the tamarind and chicken cubes. Add the kaffir lime leaves. Let it simmer for a while.
When water starts to boil, add in the coconut milk and turn down the heat. Let it simmer until the gravy thickens.
Salt and pepper to taste.
I used fresh yellow noodles. Here its made by a F/lipina company and the noodles are called milky. Otherwise I believe you can use spaghetti.
wallah! Sunflora's mee kari is ready to be served.
If you're wandering what brought this on? I had origionally intended to make some laksa. I had a conversation with Atenah a few weeks back about eating laksa with half cooked kerang (my mouth is watering just typing this) and has been thinking about it since. And then MedameRosse was telling me that she made some laksa Kelantan. Whoah!!! I've had th craving since.
So, no laksa for me yet. Just mee kari :)
My husband thinks that this is blog worthy! Yesterday, I made some mee kari. Why is this blog worthy you may ask?
1. I havent cooked anything for the longest time ever.
2. If I did cook I seldom cooked kari.
3. And More seldom that I cook with santan. (except that kuih bakar ;))
4. It was my first attempt at making mee kari.
Now where I come from, I never did eat mee kari when growing up. The first time I tasted mee kari was from the Mak Long's (hubby's) house for one Raya.
However, just a few weeks ago we went to Kak Pip's house and she made for us some mee kari which was yummy! Dengan tak malunya saya makan 2 kali! Once during lunch and one more time during dinner and would have wanted to ta pau more home but was rather too embarrassed because she had her son's friends over that night.
Since Kak Pip has flown back to KL for her vacation I surfed some recipes on Mesra.net. Looked at the different recipes and different ingredients, took a deep breath and then warned my hubby.
This will be my first time cooking mee kari so I hope you'll understand if it isn't as nice as Kak Pip's.
My ingredients:
1 red onion
1 stalk of frozen almost dried out bunga kantan
1 frozen and very hard galangal
A few frozen kaffir lime leaves
some garlic
1 pack of small diced lean beef
about 4 table spoons of Adabi Kari Ayam & daging
(half used to marinade the beef)
1 cube Maggi chicken stock
1 cube Maggi Tamarind stock
1 pack of Rasaku Instant Kari Ayam
1 can of coconut milk aka santan
2 stalks of lemongrass fresh from my backyard
1 pack of frozen deep fried tofu
For garnishing
some cut chillies
Beansprouts which I didn't find and replaced with thinly sliced cucumbers
Method
Heat some oil in the pot. Fry the thinly sliced onion until brown. Add in the curry powder, thinly sliced bunga kantan, the gelangal and the lemongrass and fry until fragrant. Add the marinated beef. fry for 2 more minutes then add some water. Add the Rasaku mix. Add the tamarind and chicken cubes. Add the kaffir lime leaves. Let it simmer for a while.
When water starts to boil, add in the coconut milk and turn down the heat. Let it simmer until the gravy thickens.
Salt and pepper to taste.
I used fresh yellow noodles. Here its made by a F/lipina company and the noodles are called milky. Otherwise I believe you can use spaghetti.
wallah! Sunflora's mee kari is ready to be served.
If you're wandering what brought this on? I had origionally intended to make some laksa. I had a conversation with Atenah a few weeks back about eating laksa with half cooked kerang (my mouth is watering just typing this) and has been thinking about it since. And then MedameRosse was telling me that she made some laksa Kelantan. Whoah!!! I've had th craving since.
So, no laksa for me yet. Just mee kari :)
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Is it time for change?
Oleh katak yang dah lama di bawah tempurung mewah. Ribbit ribbit.
This summer marks my completion of my second year here. It’s only been two years but it feels like a whole lifetime to me. To my own surprise, I’m feeling very much at home in this city I used to loath. And the thought of moving is just daunting.
My beloved said something the other that stumped me.
“Being in this country is turning you into a woman whom I didn’t marry. We need to get out of here soon.”
Really?
Well I was an independent person who was happy and perfectly capable of doing things by myself. I could live and travel alone and survived. At 21 I flew to a country I have never been before and knew very little about (there was no internet to do your research then) and didn’t know anyone. And I survived.
But since living here, somehow the outside world is beginning to be frightening to me. I needed to be chaperoned even when I go shopping or risked being harassed.
Just the other day I went to purchase some scarves with two other lady friends. And I really thought that the salesman was behaving inappropriately. Was it because our face was uncovered? Because we smiled? I was quite sure he wouldn’t behave that way if my hubby was around.
And what is most distressing for me, is that I am beginning to think that the rest of the world will behave that way. Just the thought of moving away was distressing to me. Oh dear what happened?
Is it true they say that once a bird lives in a cage, it will never fly away? Even if you leave the cage door open? As long as it is kept well fed?
Has living in a gilded cage clipped my wings?
Its been a very very long time since I drove. Don’t even know if I am still capable of driving! I am so comfortable wearing the ab@ya now that somehow the idea of not needing to wear one is too chaotic. (The result of wearing my nightgown underneath the abay@ for too long.) The last time I shopped for clothes for pleasure was in B@hrain and that was close to a year ago!
(Ok I did some handbag shopping here. And groceries. And quilting fabric.)
Perhaps it is time. Time for us to move on. Or at least, to get out and see the outside world a little bit. To see what the outside world is like. Full of colours and respect for women.
Bila oh bilakah?
This summer marks my completion of my second year here. It’s only been two years but it feels like a whole lifetime to me. To my own surprise, I’m feeling very much at home in this city I used to loath. And the thought of moving is just daunting.
My beloved said something the other that stumped me.
“Being in this country is turning you into a woman whom I didn’t marry. We need to get out of here soon.”
Really?
Well I was an independent person who was happy and perfectly capable of doing things by myself. I could live and travel alone and survived. At 21 I flew to a country I have never been before and knew very little about (there was no internet to do your research then) and didn’t know anyone. And I survived.
But since living here, somehow the outside world is beginning to be frightening to me. I needed to be chaperoned even when I go shopping or risked being harassed.
Just the other day I went to purchase some scarves with two other lady friends. And I really thought that the salesman was behaving inappropriately. Was it because our face was uncovered? Because we smiled? I was quite sure he wouldn’t behave that way if my hubby was around.
And what is most distressing for me, is that I am beginning to think that the rest of the world will behave that way. Just the thought of moving away was distressing to me. Oh dear what happened?
Is it true they say that once a bird lives in a cage, it will never fly away? Even if you leave the cage door open? As long as it is kept well fed?
Has living in a gilded cage clipped my wings?
Its been a very very long time since I drove. Don’t even know if I am still capable of driving! I am so comfortable wearing the ab@ya now that somehow the idea of not needing to wear one is too chaotic. (The result of wearing my nightgown underneath the abay@ for too long.) The last time I shopped for clothes for pleasure was in B@hrain and that was close to a year ago!
(Ok I did some handbag shopping here. And groceries. And quilting fabric.)
Perhaps it is time. Time for us to move on. Or at least, to get out and see the outside world a little bit. To see what the outside world is like. Full of colours and respect for women.
Bila oh bilakah?
Monday, July 03, 2006
The exodus has begun
The weather has been unbearably hot. I tried taking the bus to a new Mall the other day and ended up with a terrible headache. With temperatures close to 50oC the days are long and dry, and the nights just somewhat bearable.
Almost everyone has gone! We were meant to fly off last week as well but couldn’t make it given the circumstances. Z just told me the other day that it was impossible to get tickets to go back to Malaysia. The only option she had was to fly with Air Lanka. Emirates has imposed all sorts of taxes on their tickets adding a whopping RM1,000 to the cost of their tickets. But that didn’t deter people from flying with them. They are still fully booked.
We did think of going someplace near, perhaps to Dubai but as N told me, its so expensive, I just needed to add a few hundred Rms and we could go to Cyprus.
Even the Holy City is busy and crowded at the moment. Friends told us that the Hotels are fully booked.
Reading Elisa’s I want to go somewhere reinforces what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I haven’t left this country for almost a year now and its been 18 months since we went anywhere. Yes we too wanted to visit the pyramids and take a cruise up the Nile.
One of these days I hope we can go somewhere. Soonish. We have postponed that round-the-world trip too many times that perhaps I don’t see it happening in the near future. Its not his fault, he suggested that we do it a couple of times already but I the practical side of me told him that I’m not comfortable spending the money on the trip when we have a mortgage to pay for.
And there is always that Should we go for *a nice long holiday* or should we *go home to visit our family and friends*?
Ahh the economies of limited resources!
But I guess this time round we would have to go home. Whatever it is, I too look forward to go someplace but here.
For now, I just have to appease myself by looking forward to the SALE season here.
Almost everyone has gone! We were meant to fly off last week as well but couldn’t make it given the circumstances. Z just told me the other day that it was impossible to get tickets to go back to Malaysia. The only option she had was to fly with Air Lanka. Emirates has imposed all sorts of taxes on their tickets adding a whopping RM1,000 to the cost of their tickets. But that didn’t deter people from flying with them. They are still fully booked.
We did think of going someplace near, perhaps to Dubai but as N told me, its so expensive, I just needed to add a few hundred Rms and we could go to Cyprus.
Even the Holy City is busy and crowded at the moment. Friends told us that the Hotels are fully booked.
Reading Elisa’s I want to go somewhere reinforces what I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I haven’t left this country for almost a year now and its been 18 months since we went anywhere. Yes we too wanted to visit the pyramids and take a cruise up the Nile.
One of these days I hope we can go somewhere. Soonish. We have postponed that round-the-world trip too many times that perhaps I don’t see it happening in the near future. Its not his fault, he suggested that we do it a couple of times already but I the practical side of me told him that I’m not comfortable spending the money on the trip when we have a mortgage to pay for.
And there is always that Should we go for *a nice long holiday* or should we *go home to visit our family and friends*?
Ahh the economies of limited resources!
But I guess this time round we would have to go home. Whatever it is, I too look forward to go someplace but here.
For now, I just have to appease myself by looking forward to the SALE season here.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Sexual Harassment
This story was relayed to me by Zah yesterday. It happened to her husband’s friend at the airport on his way to the plane to catch a flight home.
To prepare for his flight he shaved his beard and mustache, so he’d be clean shaven when he arrives home to meet with his wife and kids.
At the airport, he felt a hand at the back of his jeans.
“Very nice,” said the voice.
And he thought the admirer was admiring his jeans.
But the hand still remained there. And the touch began to feel like a grope.
“Very nice very nice” said the voice again.
He walked away as fast as he could. He was too shocked to do anything else.
I reckon he should have given the other guy a black eye.
********************************************
Every now and then I hear stories of women being harassed here. But men being harassed, this is my first time.
What does a man do when he is molested? Should he try to embarass the other guy and pop him one? Slap him? How would the spectators react? Fight with the other guy? What if the molester enjoys the physical contact?
Most guys would be too embarassed to do anything anyways. He doesn't want to draw further attention to himself. But thats what bullys know and capitalize on. They choose their victims well.
What would you do?
To prepare for his flight he shaved his beard and mustache, so he’d be clean shaven when he arrives home to meet with his wife and kids.
At the airport, he felt a hand at the back of his jeans.
“Very nice,” said the voice.
And he thought the admirer was admiring his jeans.
But the hand still remained there. And the touch began to feel like a grope.
“Very nice very nice” said the voice again.
He walked away as fast as he could. He was too shocked to do anything else.
I reckon he should have given the other guy a black eye.
********************************************
Every now and then I hear stories of women being harassed here. But men being harassed, this is my first time.
What does a man do when he is molested? Should he try to embarass the other guy and pop him one? Slap him? How would the spectators react? Fight with the other guy? What if the molester enjoys the physical contact?
Most guys would be too embarassed to do anything anyways. He doesn't want to draw further attention to himself. But thats what bullys know and capitalize on. They choose their victims well.
What would you do?
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Cultural Difference
Whats the difference between a Ma/aysian and a Sing@porean?
We had seen the X5 a few times. Once outside a compound of a friend and another time parked near the Ustaz’s house. And both times we saw L* there. So we guessed that L* must be driving the X5. Not satisfied, we asked L* at the Ustaz’s house the other day.
H.. L* is that your X5 parked outside?
L*: Yes it is.
Me: Very good choice! Very nice!
H: Yeah we almost got one too.
L*: Yeah you know the X5 here is the same price of a Camry in Sing@pore and I got it with a good offer.
In a true Cik Bedah manner, the nurse who sat next to me, whom I knew for barely 15 mins asked me. How much?
I didn’t know it myself and waited for the question to be asked.
H: If you don’t mind me asking, how much did you get it for?
L*: 210
Me to Cik Bedah: two ratus sepuluh.
And she asked me to repeat at least three times. Two ten. Dua ratus sepuluh. Dua ratus sepuluh ribu. It’s an X5 for goodness sake and he’s bought it brand new. Rilek la kak. That gaping look is not becoming of you. Nanti lalat masuk!
****************************************
W: So where do you live?
Me: Zippy compound
W: Where is that?
Me: Exit 9.
W: Where is exit 9?
Me: Near the airport.
W: Wahhh! So farr!!! I live in downtown only! Very near ah very easy!
The Ma/aysian thinks RM100 is very expensive and the Sing@porean thinks 100 km is very far.
We had seen the X5 a few times. Once outside a compound of a friend and another time parked near the Ustaz’s house. And both times we saw L* there. So we guessed that L* must be driving the X5. Not satisfied, we asked L* at the Ustaz’s house the other day.
H.. L* is that your X5 parked outside?
L*: Yes it is.
Me: Very good choice! Very nice!
H: Yeah we almost got one too.
L*: Yeah you know the X5 here is the same price of a Camry in Sing@pore and I got it with a good offer.
In a true Cik Bedah manner, the nurse who sat next to me, whom I knew for barely 15 mins asked me. How much?
I didn’t know it myself and waited for the question to be asked.
H: If you don’t mind me asking, how much did you get it for?
L*: 210
Me to Cik Bedah: two ratus sepuluh.
And she asked me to repeat at least three times. Two ten. Dua ratus sepuluh. Dua ratus sepuluh ribu. It’s an X5 for goodness sake and he’s bought it brand new. Rilek la kak. That gaping look is not becoming of you. Nanti lalat masuk!
****************************************
W: So where do you live?
Me: Zippy compound
W: Where is that?
Me: Exit 9.
W: Where is exit 9?
Me: Near the airport.
W: Wahhh! So farr!!! I live in downtown only! Very near ah very easy!
The Ma/aysian thinks RM100 is very expensive and the Sing@porean thinks 100 km is very far.
Monday, June 19, 2006
My two months on Prednisone
The drug that lifted me up oh so high until I came crashing down.
How many of us are explained what medication we are being prescribed, why we are told to take it and what the side effects of the drug are?
Sometimes we’re so much in pain and in ignorance that we put all trust on the medical practitioner. Until of course we face the consequences of having taken the drug.
For me the side effect of prednisone stared back at me in the mirror. My already round face was becoming rounder. I look like a kuih apam that had a double dose of baking powder and was threatening to overflow from the base. And my tummy just ballooned! For a few very long days, I agonized at the possibility that I was pregnant. My stomach got so big that surely something was growing in it!
And the munchies! I just couldn’t stop having them! My favourite refuge are the chochie bikkie (chocolate biscuits of the dark chocolate variety) that I simply magically wolf down in stacks. They were finished even before I realized that I ate the whole pack.
But the energy level I had was phenomenal! I would sleep for a couple of hours from 11 pm to 1 am and I’d wake up and do some sewing and fabric cutting. And my concentration level was undeniable. I would be sewing cutting and sewing from 1 am to 6 am. I’d go downstairs and fix breakfast for hubby dearest and wake him up with the smell of breakfast. And then I would go back to sleep and wake up later in the day.
But as soon as my prednisone dosage was reduced, so would my power of concentration and energy level.
I started at 25 mg a day for a month, which was gradually reduced by 5 mg a week until I was weaned off the drug. And immediately I felt the difference. My body was aching all over. My face was rounder than ever, which contributed further to my depression. I was feeling so tired and so overwhelmed. All that energy I had the two months prior was gone, gone, gone. My vision became blurry and even if I had the energy to sew, my eyes were unwilling to cooperate.
I was so depressed about everything and I was so easily irritable. Someone maybe saying something to me and it would upset me for 2 whole days. Which made me want to stay away from people and that didn’t help with my depression either.
At the same time, I began needing massages. My feet were aching even though I only walked round the block, and my joints were groaning. And up till today I am still nursing a sore shoulder. I was beginning to question everything. Was it my diet? Was it the weight I am gaining? Surely the extra kilos are not straining my joints already? And I didn’t have internet connection to do any sort of research.
I have to confess that it did cross my mind how wonderful it was to be on steroids. I suddenly understood all too perfectly how people become prescription drug abusers. Its easier to handle the highs than the lows. And being in this country, it would be all too easy. Everything, almost everything (drugs that is) that is available in the Kingdom, can be purchased without prescription at the pharmacy. And there is a pharmacy at every other corner here.
Imagine that.
So Dr pardon me when I question you on what you’re prescribing me. Because it is my body and I’m still stuck with it long after your job is done.
**A little knowledge could be a dangerous thing huh.
How many of us are explained what medication we are being prescribed, why we are told to take it and what the side effects of the drug are?
Sometimes we’re so much in pain and in ignorance that we put all trust on the medical practitioner. Until of course we face the consequences of having taken the drug.
For me the side effect of prednisone stared back at me in the mirror. My already round face was becoming rounder. I look like a kuih apam that had a double dose of baking powder and was threatening to overflow from the base. And my tummy just ballooned! For a few very long days, I agonized at the possibility that I was pregnant. My stomach got so big that surely something was growing in it!
And the munchies! I just couldn’t stop having them! My favourite refuge are the chochie bikkie (chocolate biscuits of the dark chocolate variety) that I simply magically wolf down in stacks. They were finished even before I realized that I ate the whole pack.
But the energy level I had was phenomenal! I would sleep for a couple of hours from 11 pm to 1 am and I’d wake up and do some sewing and fabric cutting. And my concentration level was undeniable. I would be sewing cutting and sewing from 1 am to 6 am. I’d go downstairs and fix breakfast for hubby dearest and wake him up with the smell of breakfast. And then I would go back to sleep and wake up later in the day.
But as soon as my prednisone dosage was reduced, so would my power of concentration and energy level.
I started at 25 mg a day for a month, which was gradually reduced by 5 mg a week until I was weaned off the drug. And immediately I felt the difference. My body was aching all over. My face was rounder than ever, which contributed further to my depression. I was feeling so tired and so overwhelmed. All that energy I had the two months prior was gone, gone, gone. My vision became blurry and even if I had the energy to sew, my eyes were unwilling to cooperate.
I was so depressed about everything and I was so easily irritable. Someone maybe saying something to me and it would upset me for 2 whole days. Which made me want to stay away from people and that didn’t help with my depression either.
At the same time, I began needing massages. My feet were aching even though I only walked round the block, and my joints were groaning. And up till today I am still nursing a sore shoulder. I was beginning to question everything. Was it my diet? Was it the weight I am gaining? Surely the extra kilos are not straining my joints already? And I didn’t have internet connection to do any sort of research.
I have to confess that it did cross my mind how wonderful it was to be on steroids. I suddenly understood all too perfectly how people become prescription drug abusers. Its easier to handle the highs than the lows. And being in this country, it would be all too easy. Everything, almost everything (drugs that is) that is available in the Kingdom, can be purchased without prescription at the pharmacy. And there is a pharmacy at every other corner here.
Imagine that.
So Dr pardon me when I question you on what you’re prescribing me. Because it is my body and I’m still stuck with it long after your job is done.
**A little knowledge could be a dangerous thing huh.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
The Disillusioned go home
I’ve seen him at a few functions we organized but never did have the time to really have a conversation with him. His wife was friendly and I thought we could get along just fine. Sama kepala comes to mind.
Then I heard news of them leaving. They have had enough of this place. Barely 7 months and they’re packing their bags to go. Another one I thought.
And I had an opportunity to meet up with them before they leave.
They wanted to leave because he was unhappy at work. He felt unhappy with how he is treated at work and how his colleagues were.
They had come with some preconceived notions and expectations of the country. They had wanted to come to perform their Hajj, learn some Arab|c and delve more into the religion. They managed to do their Hajj trip but not much of the rest.
When asked by his MD his reason for leaving, he said it was the injustice. Injustice? Well he felt sidelined by the locals because of the color of his skin. This is one of the most racists places I have been and I lived in Austral!a. I shook hands with the labourers and they asked me at the office why I did that. Was it wrong to acknowledge my fellow man?
I understood his point and his struggle but did not anticipate the intensity of the man. Until of course, I understood that he had come, thinking that the people here would welcome him with open arms because he is a “brother.” He thought that the mosque would be an open place for ibadah, for the exchange of information and religion but saw nothing of that sort.
“We don’t think we can contribute to the society here. They are not accepting of the sort of professional level we could give.”
“I did not come here to make money,” he says.
“For the amount I spend on school fees for my children here I can get something better back in Austral/ia,” she says.
Whatever their reasons were, they are set to leave.
I wanted to say. Give it some time. Time for you to understand their culture here. Time for you to make new friends whom you can berdakwah with. Time for you to learn the Arab/c language. I tried to point them to the direction where the information was available but hey the rest is up to them.
The more preconceived notions you have, the more likely you are to be disillusioned.
This isn't an easy place to move to.
Then I heard news of them leaving. They have had enough of this place. Barely 7 months and they’re packing their bags to go. Another one I thought.
And I had an opportunity to meet up with them before they leave.
They wanted to leave because he was unhappy at work. He felt unhappy with how he is treated at work and how his colleagues were.
They had come with some preconceived notions and expectations of the country. They had wanted to come to perform their Hajj, learn some Arab|c and delve more into the religion. They managed to do their Hajj trip but not much of the rest.
When asked by his MD his reason for leaving, he said it was the injustice. Injustice? Well he felt sidelined by the locals because of the color of his skin. This is one of the most racists places I have been and I lived in Austral!a. I shook hands with the labourers and they asked me at the office why I did that. Was it wrong to acknowledge my fellow man?
I understood his point and his struggle but did not anticipate the intensity of the man. Until of course, I understood that he had come, thinking that the people here would welcome him with open arms because he is a “brother.” He thought that the mosque would be an open place for ibadah, for the exchange of information and religion but saw nothing of that sort.
“We don’t think we can contribute to the society here. They are not accepting of the sort of professional level we could give.”
“I did not come here to make money,” he says.
“For the amount I spend on school fees for my children here I can get something better back in Austral/ia,” she says.
Whatever their reasons were, they are set to leave.
I wanted to say. Give it some time. Time for you to understand their culture here. Time for you to make new friends whom you can berdakwah with. Time for you to learn the Arab/c language. I tried to point them to the direction where the information was available but hey the rest is up to them.
The more preconceived notions you have, the more likely you are to be disillusioned.
This isn't an easy place to move to.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
INTP
I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test recently and found that I am an INTP. And surprise surprise, he happens to be an INTP as well.
He took the test one day and came home very excited. He said he had arranged for the test practitioner to come to our place so that I could do the test as well. I had hoped that we could have done something more interesting with my Friday (read going to a Mall somewhere off the compound) but since he had already arranged it, I agreed.
It didn’t take me long to complete the questionnaire and we did the tallying and Walaa I ‘m an INTP although I’m a low T.
So what does it mean knowing that I am an INTP?
From Conversations with Designer Theorizers
The following is adapted from Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi, The 16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery (Telos Publications, 1999) *Used with permission.
What’s it like to be you?
I want to know the truth and get down to the bottom of things. It’s an internal life, living in the head, theorizing constantly about how things work.
I can link many thoughts and shoot off in multiple directions at once in an attempt to clarify and explain things really well or to try to represent the fullness of who I am and all the different things I can do and can’t do. I like to design—not just implementation but the stuff before that.
There is a goal, a theme, and I start from that and work through the specifics one by one, keeping the whole thing integrated as I go, until I come up with “the elegant solution.” Often when I talk to people they only get from me a few steps—one, thirteen, a hundred. That’s all that gets verbalized, and what’s very clear to me either I’ve forgotten or find unnecessary to say out loud, which can come across as confusing at times.
I am very knowledge and big picture oriented. I want to bring everything that can be known into understanding a problem or situation. I enjoy working with those who think like I do but verbalize better. We can end up leaping forward rapidly and building off of ideas, asking questions with an answer in mind but wanting to verify things and learn more. If I am knowledgeable in that area, I always have something to add, to help better understand the idea and add something new. Although sometimes, even when I know we agree, people feel like I am trying to challenge them, which is frustrating because I am just doing it out of excitement. I try to understand all the variables and possible influences and then apply as broad a range of information as I can bring to the problem, to impact why the problem exists.
I am interested in developing new skills and trying new ideas with those skills, and I am a good team member, and yet sometimes a little group work can go a long way. Most of all, I love to learn.
Central for me is honesty and integrity, especially intellectual integrity. If it’s not an honest approach to the issue at hand or to the relationship or organization, then it becomes an illusion—it only appears to have substance. I respect people who are genuine, honest, and open and doing what they are good at and what they enjoy and are up front about what is important to them.
I have a penchant for clarity. Some people say I’m hairsplitting, but there is value in precision.
I don’t like sloppy thinking, waste, and redundancy, and I am uncomfortable with sending out something that isn’t as good as it can be, but it has to go out anyway. I like things thought through. Incompetence just sets me right off. I have very little tolerance or patience, especially if the person is above me or isn’t really trying. I don’t think I push people any harder than I push myself and most people probably push less, which is where conflict comes in. Some people say my standard may be way out of whack and I assume the other person is competent. I like to avoid conflict at all possible costs, but if it reaches a point where I can’t go anywhere unless this gets resolved, then I will jump in and take care of it. That takes me a long time and I will go miles out my way to avoid that. It’s an ongoing decision between fairness and not letting people walk all over me.
There is this constant balancing act between self-confidence and questioning myself. Sometimes I feel secure and comfortable about knowing and thinking about and recognizing a lot and knowing how to learn new skills and ideas and concepts. But I have an almost instant ability to detect limitations—not knowing enough, picking out what’s missing, adding in an always-present feeling that it’s not quite right, and not knowing everything there is to know with insufficient time to learn everything that is important.
I can be seen as too unfeeling, too quick to start into work with not enough basis laid out for the day, and I’m not much for the personal amenities or socializing. Yet it is important that others are aware they are important to me. It’s not the first thing, but it’s in my awareness. I tend to try solving personal problems all by myself. Then sometimes I wind up without accurate information from others or about how it will affect others. I believe there must be an answer or a solution if I can just figure it out.
He took the test one day and came home very excited. He said he had arranged for the test practitioner to come to our place so that I could do the test as well. I had hoped that we could have done something more interesting with my Friday (read going to a Mall somewhere off the compound) but since he had already arranged it, I agreed.
It didn’t take me long to complete the questionnaire and we did the tallying and Walaa I ‘m an INTP although I’m a low T.
So what does it mean knowing that I am an INTP?
From Conversations with Designer Theorizers
The following is adapted from Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi, The 16 Personality Types: Descriptions for Self-Discovery (Telos Publications, 1999) *Used with permission.
What’s it like to be you?
I want to know the truth and get down to the bottom of things. It’s an internal life, living in the head, theorizing constantly about how things work.
I can link many thoughts and shoot off in multiple directions at once in an attempt to clarify and explain things really well or to try to represent the fullness of who I am and all the different things I can do and can’t do. I like to design—not just implementation but the stuff before that.
There is a goal, a theme, and I start from that and work through the specifics one by one, keeping the whole thing integrated as I go, until I come up with “the elegant solution.” Often when I talk to people they only get from me a few steps—one, thirteen, a hundred. That’s all that gets verbalized, and what’s very clear to me either I’ve forgotten or find unnecessary to say out loud, which can come across as confusing at times.
I am very knowledge and big picture oriented. I want to bring everything that can be known into understanding a problem or situation. I enjoy working with those who think like I do but verbalize better. We can end up leaping forward rapidly and building off of ideas, asking questions with an answer in mind but wanting to verify things and learn more. If I am knowledgeable in that area, I always have something to add, to help better understand the idea and add something new. Although sometimes, even when I know we agree, people feel like I am trying to challenge them, which is frustrating because I am just doing it out of excitement. I try to understand all the variables and possible influences and then apply as broad a range of information as I can bring to the problem, to impact why the problem exists.
I am interested in developing new skills and trying new ideas with those skills, and I am a good team member, and yet sometimes a little group work can go a long way. Most of all, I love to learn.
Central for me is honesty and integrity, especially intellectual integrity. If it’s not an honest approach to the issue at hand or to the relationship or organization, then it becomes an illusion—it only appears to have substance. I respect people who are genuine, honest, and open and doing what they are good at and what they enjoy and are up front about what is important to them.
I have a penchant for clarity. Some people say I’m hairsplitting, but there is value in precision.
I don’t like sloppy thinking, waste, and redundancy, and I am uncomfortable with sending out something that isn’t as good as it can be, but it has to go out anyway. I like things thought through. Incompetence just sets me right off. I have very little tolerance or patience, especially if the person is above me or isn’t really trying. I don’t think I push people any harder than I push myself and most people probably push less, which is where conflict comes in. Some people say my standard may be way out of whack and I assume the other person is competent. I like to avoid conflict at all possible costs, but if it reaches a point where I can’t go anywhere unless this gets resolved, then I will jump in and take care of it. That takes me a long time and I will go miles out my way to avoid that. It’s an ongoing decision between fairness and not letting people walk all over me.
There is this constant balancing act between self-confidence and questioning myself. Sometimes I feel secure and comfortable about knowing and thinking about and recognizing a lot and knowing how to learn new skills and ideas and concepts. But I have an almost instant ability to detect limitations—not knowing enough, picking out what’s missing, adding in an always-present feeling that it’s not quite right, and not knowing everything there is to know with insufficient time to learn everything that is important.
I can be seen as too unfeeling, too quick to start into work with not enough basis laid out for the day, and I’m not much for the personal amenities or socializing. Yet it is important that others are aware they are important to me. It’s not the first thing, but it’s in my awareness. I tend to try solving personal problems all by myself. Then sometimes I wind up without accurate information from others or about how it will affect others. I believe there must be an answer or a solution if I can just figure it out.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Exhausted from walking
Reluctantly with trepidation
She put on the pair of shoes
A gift it was
One that she could not refuse
Many had gotten it before
And raved about its glory
Claim that everyone should have one
And it is for everybody
Those who don’t have it
Go through great lengths to acquire them
Some successful and some not
Some destined not to have them
She was weary of the shoes
Least they pinch on her toes
For she has gigantic feet
Free to roam the streets
The shoes often held her back
Made her change how she walked
Much slower in case of blisters
Following the footsteps of her sisters
Sometimes she feels like returning the gift
For the shoes felt too big
But when given such a thing
One cannot hesitate
Her shoes brought her so much attention
So much happiness
And so much anxiety
It needed all her energy
Walking in the shoes
Gave her a backache
Her head spinning
Her shoulders aching
So when someone gives you a gift
Be weary
Of the responsibility
The headache, the heartache
That comes
When wearing a new shoe
Especially if it’s a gift
That you can't refund
Its yours for keeps
She put on the pair of shoes
A gift it was
One that she could not refuse
Many had gotten it before
And raved about its glory
Claim that everyone should have one
And it is for everybody
Those who don’t have it
Go through great lengths to acquire them
Some successful and some not
Some destined not to have them
She was weary of the shoes
Least they pinch on her toes
For she has gigantic feet
Free to roam the streets
The shoes often held her back
Made her change how she walked
Much slower in case of blisters
Following the footsteps of her sisters
Sometimes she feels like returning the gift
For the shoes felt too big
But when given such a thing
One cannot hesitate
Her shoes brought her so much attention
So much happiness
And so much anxiety
It needed all her energy
Walking in the shoes
Gave her a backache
Her head spinning
Her shoulders aching
So when someone gives you a gift
Be weary
Of the responsibility
The headache, the heartache
That comes
When wearing a new shoe
Especially if it’s a gift
That you can't refund
Its yours for keeps
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Do not leave a vaccuum
Reading Lollies' entry Salah satu factor some how reminded me a topic I wanted to blog myself.
How, if you don’t want to step up and assume your role as partner and supporter to your hubby who lives in this region, then someone else will take up that place.
Ok perhaps you can tell me that, this is not the only factor why these men stray. I’ll give you that. But as Lollies aptly tittled entry suggest, it is one of the factors why the men here stray.
Take my neighbour Mr X. He is one of those men who is house proud. He has lovely and beautiful roses outside his villa. Even before I met him I was really curious who the owner of the roses was because I wanted to get tips from the person. Then I found out that Mr X used to be here with his family and children. Until the bombings started and his wife decided that she and her children wouldn’t like to live here but would go home instead. Leaving Mr X alone. They had a housemaid who stayed on with him and the next thing I heard was the maid now is the mistress of the house.
Of course I mentioned this to Nu the other day. Nu has no heart in living here. Apparently her sister is of no help. “Come home. Come, Its your nephew’s school holidays. Come and help me. Afterall you’re not doing anything there right?”
I know some people will shoot me for this but I will say it out loud here.
Looking after your husband is not nothing, if anything it’s a huge responsibility. Its not about cleaning after him or fetching his slippers. Its about being his companion through thick and thin. Especially when he needs you most here. When he wants to come home to someone and not just an empty apartment so he can tell you about his frustrations, anger and joy at the office that day.
And if you can’t provide him that, then don’t be surprise if someone else steps up and fill that vacuum.
Especially in this region where the surroundings and social structure is very different and unfamiliar.
I tried to mention this to Nu but she said something along the lines of, well I told my husband if he wants to stray he can just tell me and let me go. And I am not the confrontational sort. I wanted to say that if it comes to that, it will already be too late. Problems like this should be nipped at the bud, lined with weed killer and not allowed to blossom and bloom to that.
So if your hubby gets a chance to work in the M.E. or anywhere else for that matter (but normally if its London or the States the wives will jump at the opportunity to come along anyways!) come along with him. Make arrangements so you can bring the whole family together as a unit and live as a family.
But I guess kalau the hubby dah memang gatal takyah gi overseas pun boleh buat gaks.
Siapkan je sebotol Roundup.
Roundup Sirap drink on a hot day it is!
How, if you don’t want to step up and assume your role as partner and supporter to your hubby who lives in this region, then someone else will take up that place.
Ok perhaps you can tell me that, this is not the only factor why these men stray. I’ll give you that. But as Lollies aptly tittled entry suggest, it is one of the factors why the men here stray.
Take my neighbour Mr X. He is one of those men who is house proud. He has lovely and beautiful roses outside his villa. Even before I met him I was really curious who the owner of the roses was because I wanted to get tips from the person. Then I found out that Mr X used to be here with his family and children. Until the bombings started and his wife decided that she and her children wouldn’t like to live here but would go home instead. Leaving Mr X alone. They had a housemaid who stayed on with him and the next thing I heard was the maid now is the mistress of the house.
Of course I mentioned this to Nu the other day. Nu has no heart in living here. Apparently her sister is of no help. “Come home. Come, Its your nephew’s school holidays. Come and help me. Afterall you’re not doing anything there right?”
I know some people will shoot me for this but I will say it out loud here.
Looking after your husband is not nothing, if anything it’s a huge responsibility. Its not about cleaning after him or fetching his slippers. Its about being his companion through thick and thin. Especially when he needs you most here. When he wants to come home to someone and not just an empty apartment so he can tell you about his frustrations, anger and joy at the office that day.
And if you can’t provide him that, then don’t be surprise if someone else steps up and fill that vacuum.
Especially in this region where the surroundings and social structure is very different and unfamiliar.
I tried to mention this to Nu but she said something along the lines of, well I told my husband if he wants to stray he can just tell me and let me go. And I am not the confrontational sort. I wanted to say that if it comes to that, it will already be too late. Problems like this should be nipped at the bud, lined with weed killer and not allowed to blossom and bloom to that.
So if your hubby gets a chance to work in the M.E. or anywhere else for that matter (but normally if its London or the States the wives will jump at the opportunity to come along anyways!) come along with him. Make arrangements so you can bring the whole family together as a unit and live as a family.
But I guess kalau the hubby dah memang gatal takyah gi overseas pun boleh buat gaks.
Siapkan je sebotol Roundup.
Roundup Sirap drink on a hot day it is!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Dysphoria
Lifted
Thrown
Shattered
Million pieces
Scattered
Vocalizing
Screaming
Shouting
Unheard
Null
Void
Damp
Mouldy
Unseen
Exhaustion
Hunger
Lost all capabilities of stringing sentences together
Of having any intellectual thought
Incapable of making decent conversation
Disjointed dreams that left me hanging
With morbid thoughts in search of ice cream
Ballooning beyond recognition
Despondent
Shame
Losing my sanity
Crazy
Wanting to break free
From the responsibility
Weighed upon me
Maybe a Gucci bag will make me feel better?
Or LV or Chanel or Loewe?
Just a plastic bag from Carrefour will do
Then torn into two
Makeshift changing base
Which later, you can replace.
Just a cup of coffee will do
The strongest you can brew
Starbucks
Applebees
Just the Muchos Magarita please
Thrown
Shattered
Million pieces
Scattered
Vocalizing
Screaming
Shouting
Unheard
Null
Void
Damp
Mouldy
Unseen
Exhaustion
Hunger
Lost all capabilities of stringing sentences together
Of having any intellectual thought
Incapable of making decent conversation
Disjointed dreams that left me hanging
With morbid thoughts in search of ice cream
Ballooning beyond recognition
Despondent
Shame
Losing my sanity
Crazy
Wanting to break free
From the responsibility
Weighed upon me
Maybe a Gucci bag will make me feel better?
Or LV or Chanel or Loewe?
Just a plastic bag from Carrefour will do
Then torn into two
Makeshift changing base
Which later, you can replace.
Just a cup of coffee will do
The strongest you can brew
Starbucks
Applebees
Just the Muchos Magarita please
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I am back ... Hopefully
After one month of hair pulling and almost non existence internet connection, we have internet access again. I hope. It's a new set up which required an investment of a new hardware so I really hope that it will work well.
Glad to see that my previous posting had some resonance with some of my dear readers. One particularly happened to be a disgruntled individual who proceeded to put 6 very long comments which has nothing to do with my posting and everything to do with racial hatret. To which I promptly deleted and installed word verification for posting comments. I can't comment more about the postings except..... GET a Life!
SO hopefully I am back to reading and posting blogs. Perhaps reading more than posting since I have lots of catch up to do. So many new developments that I missed! I do sorely miss my online friends and my blogger friends.
Anyways thanks for your comments and take care.
Glad to see that my previous posting had some resonance with some of my dear readers. One particularly happened to be a disgruntled individual who proceeded to put 6 very long comments which has nothing to do with my posting and everything to do with racial hatret. To which I promptly deleted and installed word verification for posting comments. I can't comment more about the postings except..... GET a Life!
SO hopefully I am back to reading and posting blogs. Perhaps reading more than posting since I have lots of catch up to do. So many new developments that I missed! I do sorely miss my online friends and my blogger friends.
Anyways thanks for your comments and take care.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Placing blame
M was telling me yesterday about the death of N’s grandchild.
“Budak tu kene buat orang. Orang buat maknya masa dia mengandung dah tu sampai ke anaknya bila anak tu keluar.”
“Mula-mula baby tu kene apnea. Mereka bawa ke hospital. Hospital check semua kata takde apa-apa, mereka bawa baby tu balik.”
“Lepas 3 hari baby tu meninggal.”
In this instance I feel that its a predetermined thing. Isn’t life and death predetermined by our creator? To blame it on the evil doing of another human being especially if there isn’t any concrete proof?
I am also a firm believer that if Allah does not allow it, it won’t happen. Surely He is the Allmighty and to suggest that another human being has a more superior power over him blasphemous?
But I seldom say these things out. I just let the story flow, nod and take a sip of my tea. I’m not an overly pious person. I just feel that its often way too easy to place blame when we’re experiencing grief. Its not that I deny the existence and the power of witchcraft. Its just that I believe in qadaq and qadar.
Jodoh, maut and rezeki semuanya Allah yang tentukan.
“Budak tu kene buat orang. Orang buat maknya masa dia mengandung dah tu sampai ke anaknya bila anak tu keluar.”
“Mula-mula baby tu kene apnea. Mereka bawa ke hospital. Hospital check semua kata takde apa-apa, mereka bawa baby tu balik.”
“Lepas 3 hari baby tu meninggal.”
In this instance I feel that its a predetermined thing. Isn’t life and death predetermined by our creator? To blame it on the evil doing of another human being especially if there isn’t any concrete proof?
I am also a firm believer that if Allah does not allow it, it won’t happen. Surely He is the Allmighty and to suggest that another human being has a more superior power over him blasphemous?
But I seldom say these things out. I just let the story flow, nod and take a sip of my tea. I’m not an overly pious person. I just feel that its often way too easy to place blame when we’re experiencing grief. Its not that I deny the existence and the power of witchcraft. Its just that I believe in qadaq and qadar.
Jodoh, maut and rezeki semuanya Allah yang tentukan.
Monday, May 08, 2006
ARGHHHHHHHHHH
Dear friends
I have a dilemma. I have ADSL that works between midnight and 8 am, hours when I am either normally sleeping or doing other stuff. For whatever reason I am unable to login into YM when I can surf. Or I can chat in YM when I cannot surf. Go figure. I apologized if you have sent me msgs on my YM but I havent or didnt reply, thats because my YM logged itself it when I am not at my pc and by the time I am at my PC, the network is no longer available.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thank you for your understanding.
I have a dilemma. I have ADSL that works between midnight and 8 am, hours when I am either normally sleeping or doing other stuff. For whatever reason I am unable to login into YM when I can surf. Or I can chat in YM when I cannot surf. Go figure. I apologized if you have sent me msgs on my YM but I havent or didnt reply, thats because my YM logged itself it when I am not at my pc and by the time I am at my PC, the network is no longer available.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thank you for your understanding.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Goodbye Lane
A ring on the doorbell.
Lane stood at the door with a plate of cookies.
Hey come on in.
No thanks. Just some good bye cookies. I’m off for good this time round.
Do you have any job lined out yet.
No not yet. I just want to be out there in the free world. Its not that nice writing resumes saying that I’m currently a mad locked up housewife in a compound. I just want to go and clear my head.
And off she went.
Her story is no different from many stories I heard here. Some people just love it or some just go plain crazy. The ones who love it here are those who normally have children and liked the idea of living in a gated community with all sorts of facilities the family can enjoy.
But those looking for freedom to roam about outside, working alongside men and most people normally do in the outside world, well its almost impossible here.
Good bye Lane and good luck. I wish you well and perhaps we’ll bump into each other someday.
Someday.
Lane stood at the door with a plate of cookies.
Hey come on in.
No thanks. Just some good bye cookies. I’m off for good this time round.
Do you have any job lined out yet.
No not yet. I just want to be out there in the free world. Its not that nice writing resumes saying that I’m currently a mad locked up housewife in a compound. I just want to go and clear my head.
And off she went.
Her story is no different from many stories I heard here. Some people just love it or some just go plain crazy. The ones who love it here are those who normally have children and liked the idea of living in a gated community with all sorts of facilities the family can enjoy.
But those looking for freedom to roam about outside, working alongside men and most people normally do in the outside world, well its almost impossible here.
Good bye Lane and good luck. I wish you well and perhaps we’ll bump into each other someday.
Someday.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Pulling my hair out
I've been pulling my hair out in frustration. The net has been largely unpredictable. Somedays I have 10 mins of connection and somedays none. I even woke up at 4 am to surf because its the only time we had the net the other day. Its suppose to be ADSL for goodness sake! Thus I havent been able to read emails, blog hop and more importantly of course surf!
Its amazing how dependent I am on the net these days. Need a recipe? What about the side effects of the medicine I've been prescribed? Whats a home remedy for blocked nose? Google has been my best friend!
So I hope the net is back to stay.
Its amazing how dependent I am on the net these days. Need a recipe? What about the side effects of the medicine I've been prescribed? Whats a home remedy for blocked nose? Google has been my best friend!
So I hope the net is back to stay.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Oil prices went down
Its the buzz. The price of petrol was reduced from 90 cents a litre to 60 cents. Imagine, it normally costs him $105 to pump up his petrol but it cost him only $70 yesterday. How long will this last?
So it confirmed, petrol is cheaper here than water. A bottle of water is still $1.
I haven't written much lately because we've been without the net for ages! Blame it on the weather, the unrealiable internet provider, the phone line that went dead, the techinician who came to repair the line but inadvertently changed the line etc etc etc. Go figure!
And I am still annoyed that not only I can't go to sites that show pictures eg photobucket but now I can't even see the images of the books when I go to Amazon.
I have a few entries swimming in my head and I will write them here for my own future reference:
1. Perception of culture - whats wrong with not having a gender segregated party?
2. Having babies when you're younger vs when you're older - a hot topic indeed on a coffee morning bus
3.Should she get away with it because she is nice?
4. Don't they know how to wait?
Lets hope I will still get internet connection in the time to come.
The hot weather is here to stay. Its been over 40oC for the past 2 weeks. At lunch time today it was 45oC. Yikessss! I wonder how it will be like in August.
So it confirmed, petrol is cheaper here than water. A bottle of water is still $1.
I haven't written much lately because we've been without the net for ages! Blame it on the weather, the unrealiable internet provider, the phone line that went dead, the techinician who came to repair the line but inadvertently changed the line etc etc etc. Go figure!
And I am still annoyed that not only I can't go to sites that show pictures eg photobucket but now I can't even see the images of the books when I go to Amazon.
I have a few entries swimming in my head and I will write them here for my own future reference:
1. Perception of culture - whats wrong with not having a gender segregated party?
2. Having babies when you're younger vs when you're older - a hot topic indeed on a coffee morning bus
3.Should she get away with it because she is nice?
4. Don't they know how to wait?
Lets hope I will still get internet connection in the time to come.
The hot weather is here to stay. Its been over 40oC for the past 2 weeks. At lunch time today it was 45oC. Yikessss! I wonder how it will be like in August.
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