Enthralled

Filled with a strange determination to seize each day with renewed enthusiasm.
Recharged with the power of positive thinking
And surrounded by supportive friends
Spring in each step moving with enthusiasm

The present straddles between the past and the future
Doing the familiar, yet with new twists
A little rusty but improving
I will do it, I can.

I am capable of achieving everything and anything that I want
As long as I yet my mind on it and work really hard
I can only do it through example
As those eyes are constantly watching, taking notes.

My life is full of pleasant surprises.
I did ask for beautiful journeys of abundance
And the present is as bountiful as any
And I am truly grateful. Alhamdullilah

I am at quandry

The Universe heard the message I sent out and has shifted things around such that some paths are in place for me. Alhamdullilah.

My challenge is to accept or not accept the opportunity that has been given to me.

Part of me feel that this will be good for my present and future plans.

The other part of me feels guilty that I am not giving my daughter the full attention she deserves.

Lets see how things transpire.

Disposable income vs quality of life

It comes to THAT time again when our feet get itchy and restless. Perhaps its because we could not find a way to escape the heat except at the malls that we aspire to be some place else, much greener and cooler.

We have been here four years now after all. Many asked us how we managed to survive here this long. Truth is that I have learned to love my life here. I shall not lie and lament about how it irks me that women cannot drive or that mutt@was could be a nuisance. I am lucky that the means of transportation is available to me. Granted that its not cheap but I really don't see why other people are complaining when the cost of taxis everywhere else in the world has sky rocketed. I remembered stepping in a taxi in Singapore and before I could even tell the taxi driver where we wanted to go, the fare was already close to $10. And that was after waiting 25 minutes in line!

And I've learned to avoid the mutt@wa lairs. I cover up when I am outside and go to areas where I know I will not be harassed. I've had an encounter or two but it has been fairly decent because I've learned how not to attract attention to myself.

I no longer find it strange that we eat in isolation and even draw the curtains at our "booth" at the restaurant and embrace the privacy of eating sans prying eyes.

Perhaps the fact that the above doesn't bother me means that I am accustomed to life here.

AT the same time, I am also accustomed to our purchasing power here. Enjoying 3 teapots of Galler hot chocolate counts as a pleasant treat. (Of course I didn't drink all 3 teapots alone!) My DH now has a bad habit of choosing items of clothing for the Little One without checking out the price tag first. Tsk tsk! A huge no no in our life past!

I remember the looks my in laws gave us when we only drank at Starbucks in KL. I mean buying drinks for 4 adults at Starbucks could be equivalent for a week groceries for some. I still get that bit! I am not out of touch that way. But the way we see it, we live far away from our families and civilization as we know it, so that we can enjoy the little luxuries in life.

I am grateful to Allah that we have it good here. Our accommodation is catered for. With no worry about water or electricity bills. Petrol costs almost next to nothing, (Less than 10 p), much cheaper than bottled water. The pool is just steps away from my back door, the playground 3 minutes away and I can have domestic help to help me with the household chores and babysit if the need arise. I know we have it good.

And not paying taxes is a big plus. I still remember how painful it feels to see half of our hard earned salary siphoned off to subsidize the single mothers and pay off other people's medical bills.

Then again, there is another part of me that wants more. More to life than that of shopping malls and coffee mornings. The ability to upgrade myself, my mind, my horizon.

I want a better education for my child. Where she is taught by trained and passionate people who truly care and inspire. Not just by some people who see the nursery as a money making opportunity. An acquaintance was truly surprised how much the Little One's fees would be for Montessori school next year. Are you ready for the number? Sr15,900 plus SR1,500 non refundable registration fee. Thats USD4,639 or MYR15,132 or SGD6,370. Surely a handsome sum indeed elsewhere too!

I know I have taken as many opportunities possible to better myself. But there are still some areas I would like to pursue to expand my horizon. Early childhood education for a start. Alternative medicine is another.

I want to be able to bring her to wonderful museums with beautiful paintings and/or artifacts that may interest her. To give her a wide range of life experiences, to see all sorts of different things in her own eyes.

I do miss the ability to walk down to the cinema and watch a movie. Or be entertained by a good musical or show. Or simple things like trying the clothes I want to buy before buying them and have the luxury of interacting with a sales woman who may even recommend me some other clothes that may suit me, rather than be served by bored men.

I want to be able to do more things as a family together. Simple things like going to the zoo and amusement parks for instance. I still don't appreciate the value of men or women only days at the zoo. Which is why we don't go unless its a school trip of some sort.

Then again, I suppose, having a bigger disposable income means that we could afford a few foreign holidays in a year.

Perhaps the answer to my own quandary is that its all about compromise. Life is about making compromises. What would I consider as the important aspects in my life that I am willing to forgo other bits of it?

What is my compromise for living here and what else would I have to compromise for us to move and live somewhere I want to live?

Despite my quandary, I am very grateful to Allah for giving us the myriad of experiences he has given us. And yes we are lucky in the sense that we are in a position to choose where we would like to be and where we would like to go. Alhamdullilah.

I am also very grateful that DH is as willing to travel the world and always found the ways and means of doing it.

In that sense Kakteh, I guess I feel that my glass is half full. I always do wish that it's full to the brim that its overflowing but I must always remind myself how lucky I am that it is half full.

And Ghazali, apparently sometimes the decision is made for us by our Almighty ;) Good luck to you, may your family learn to love life here as I do.

Dida did it!

I walked into the bedroom with dried cranberries strewn all over the floor.

"Who did this?" I asked. Somewhat perplexed to see the dried fruits on the floor.

"Dida did it Umi!" she declared with such conviction.

"Dida? Why did Dida do it?" I had to ask.

"Don't know."

"Can you please tell Dida not to do it again? This makes Umi very upset you know," I told her trying hard not to laugh.

"Ok."

At 2 years and 7 months she does know whats right and wrong and tries to shift the blame on Dida.

Dida her imaginary friend has been with us for 2/3 months now. I don't know if Dida is the same person as Mongku.

She has shown her imaginary play quite a bit these days. She likes to arrange pillows and imagine it as a car so that she can drive to the strawberry farm to pick strawberries. And she likes to pretend to pick the green strawberries in her imaginative play.

To be a child again.

Whipsnade Wild animal park

Location: Whipsnade Zoo
Dunstable
Bedfordshire LU6 2LF
Tel: 01582 872171
Fax: 01582 872649


When we found out by chance that Whipsnade will have a special night opening we decided to make that special trip to Dunstable and stay at the weekend there.

We found Whipsnade 1 and half years ago after visiting the London Zoo. At that time The Little One was 1 year old and we wanted to expose her to other living creatures big and small. Her then favourite book was Eric Carle's "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See?" so we thought it would be apt for her to see a brown bear in person.

We had a wonderful day out that winter day and when I found out about their special "once a year" night opening in the summer, we decided that the opportunity was too good to be missed. Afterall, surely it was a stroke of good luck that they had the night opening when we were in town!

We rented a car and drove over 2.5 hours to Dunstable and checked in at the Travellodge Dunstable Hockliffe at GBP53.50 a night. Hockliffe is somewhat between Whipsnade and Woburn, and we were going to Woburn the following day.

We arrived at Whipsnade early and was really excited to get in. The Kiasu and Kanciong part of me was afraid that they may have limited tickets for the night and wanted to be in the front of the queue to make sure that we could get in.

I had tried to buy the tickets online in advance but was not able to do so. We called the zoo about the ticket sales and they assured us that we could buy them when we get there. But hey! We've come a long long way to turn back and miss this opportunity.

Of course the minute we got in, I had to head off to the toilets first! The weather was slightly chilly and I was so glad we didn't forget our jumpers!

First we saw the Lemurs. I must say that the whole night opening was very well organized. There were many zookeepers and volunteers, all friendly and smiling. Willing to tell us about the animal friends.



They were feeding the Lemur raisins as we were at their enclosure and one even came up close and almost personal to The Little One. But of course we didn't have the camera ready for the Kodak moment. And these Little creatures are so nimble and so quick indeed!


We then decided to walk over to the Elephant enclosure for the Elephant show. Elephants, being the Little One's current favorite animal is a must see animal for the evening.


The Little One's last trip here was when she was 12 months old, and there she was in my Ergo carrier. Carrying her high up with us was part of our attachment parenting style. So that she is more aware of what does on at our level.






And here she is now at 30 months old! Talkative, inquisitive, curious, full of questions and imaginative play. I think the attachment parenting bit paid off. She shows attentiveness and at her age she does speak quite well and is able to express herself clearly. She can tell us when she is happy, sad, scared and what it is exactly that she wants. (Normally its ice-cream.)




And then that customary ride on the steam engine train. She has been watching Thomas the Tank engine and is very curious about trains. Afterall she doesn't get to sit in one very often here.

I could not resist the smell of fish and chips nearby and got some for our dinner. I forgot how quickly food gets cold over there but it was really nice to have a good fish and chips!

The Little One insisted on playing at the play area for while. She just loves running and going down the slide. We didn't object as it would allow her to release some steam and burn off excess energy.

Time just seemed to fly by when you're having fun and before we know it, the sun was setting and the closing time was not too far off.

We caught the fire show by "Flame Oz" and I must say that I found them thoroughly mesmerizing and enjoyable.

But alas the beautiful evening had to come to an end and we were excited to rest for the night as next on our agenda was another animal park which we have never been to before.

PYO Strawberries

Location: Hewitt's Farm, Hewitts Road, Orpington BR6 7QR Kent
Tel: 01959 532003

We first discovered Hewitts farm about 8 years ago on our way to M25. I had often noticed the PYO sign but never knew exactly what they meant. Until I noticed a huge strawberry sign with pick your own on it.

And we've been in love with that place since. We missed it terribly the past 4 years. I will always remember and appreciate the smell and taste of fresh fruit, those just plucked from its tree. The juiciness, sweetness is just amazing. Nothing like the fruits sold in the supermarkets. I never did like peas nor was I too crazy about corn. Before Hewitts I would never have thought of eating them raw. But peas and corn are so sweet when you just pluck them off the trees. I totally support the movement of eating local!



We were lucky to get some sunshine for us to go to Hewitts 2 days in a row! Checkout how red and juicy the strawberries looked! That way we know that the strawberries we picked are exactly ready to be eaten, instead of being plucked just before it ripens only to be sorted out in conveyor belts and transported to supermarkets.

The Little One saw an episode on Tweenies how they went to a farm to pick their own strawberries and she got that idea stuck in her head that she wants to go to a strawberry farm to pick her own strawberries!

One morning we woke her up for a drive to Bahrain and she sleepily asked us, "Mummy are we going to the strawberry farm?"

I was really flabbergasted. The only answer I could muster just not to disappoint her was, "If we saw any strawberry farms along the way, we will stop and you'll get to pick them."

Sorry darling Mummy knew all too well that strawberries didn't grow in the desert.

So my DH decided that the first week of July would be ideal for a trip to Hewitts when they'd have strawberries for picking! And here she is!




The beauty of PYO is that tasting is free, otherwise strawberries cost GBP1.50 a pound.



Check out the Little One tasting the strawberries! Never mind about washing them! They had 2 patches of strawberries, one variety was bigger, juicier and slightly sharp, the other smaller and much sweeter.

To be little again and allowed to taste as many strawberries as one likes!



I think she was in strawberry heaven!

We managed to go to Hewitts 3 days in a row before the weather started to turn wet all week. The farm is very easy to find and does have a big carpark. They even allocate an area for picnic/bbq which you could use for a fee and does get somewhat busier at weekends during the fruit picking season. Not busy at all on the week days.

She opens 930 am to 5:30 pm in the summer.

Facing my cobwebs

The last two days was a bit of a struggle. The weather didn't help either. It was freezing cold, grey and wet. All the same reasons why I loved the city. With so little time and so much to do, we had to have lists written down, people to call, cheques to write out, appointments to arrange, keys to be handed over.

Making decisions was sometimes hard. Should we let go? With whom?

Meanwhile Danny the Decorator was making good progress with the painting of the apartment. Another decision we had to make but didn't anticipate. He didn't come cheap. Nothing did. But what do you do?

At first we were really depressed. The place we so loved was such in a dissaray. Unloved and not taken care of. It was a place built with love, hope and sweat.

Perhaps we loved the apartment so much precisely because we had to work extra hard to earn it. To save up for the deposit we had to put ourselves on a strict budget. Every penny had to be accounted for. I'm sure we still have the spreadsheet on a memory disk somewhere. How every penny spent is noted down and the budget adjusted accordingly.

On the days I bought the travel card which then cost GBP4.50, I would have to make sure that I will utilize it as much as I could. It could be the day I go to the market in Croydon, or my bus ride to buy meat, then for Italian class and even a trip to Tesco before heading home. We would both bring large rucksacks so we could stuff all the groceries and necessities in them. We could only buy what we could carry and each purchase would have to be considered seriously, is this a need or want? Its quite hard to struggle with groceries on the bus, you see.

I would normally buy whatever was reduced or on offer. Thats the only way to make the money go further. He would bring a packed lunch. And if we ate out, we would choose things that would last the longest, make us most full for the minimal spend.

Those days I often asked myself, what did I get myself into. We moved to the UK, into a life of penny pinching and public transport from a life of being chauffeured driven and eating out at top eateries in Jakarta. As I struggled with the weight on my back, I would remember the days when groceries were sent to the car and from the car to the apartment by the doorman. But it was a life we chose to leave behind. All for a greener dream.

As uncle Dean pointed out when we told him the story, sometimes its good to struggle a little in life. Makes you appreciate what you have better.

And he is right of course.

Which was why it was so hard to move out of the house. We moved out of the country 4 years ago but just could not move out of that flat.

I still remember how 6 years ago, we slept on the floor on a comforter on the first night we moved in with the patio door open. We had no furniture. But we were incredibly happy. We spent hours trawling about furniture stores, DIY shops, looking at what we want and deciding what we could afford. Once again, the trusted Excel spreadsheet was drawn up, how much we would spend on what and how we would get it home and how else we could get it cheaper.

We painted each walls ourselves. Still have the rollers and the paint tray in the store room. Each of that we did with joy and anticipation. Each choice we did together after hours or research and contemplation.

Which explained why we began to feel a bit different as Danny painted each room. He first started in the kitchen. The room that broke my heart when I got home. It just looked so tired and uncared for. I had spent many hours in that space, cleaning, cooking, thinking. The fresh coat of paint just lifted the spirits of that room. A new lease of life. A breathe of fresh air.

Danny also repaired the hole in the ceiling. Another item that we just kept at the back of our minds for a long time. Why we didn't get it repaired right away I don't know. Perhaps I was afraid of the damage it would cost.

And it was amazing how much stuff we still had there. The skip we hired got quite full. The old TVs got in there first. The TV was purchased within the first 2 months on our arrival. Luckily Curry's delivers.

Clothes, books, shoes were either sent to the charity shop or clothes bank. I still could not throw out or give away the Ecco shoes I backpacked in Europe with. My first Coach bag that was bought in Hong Kong was still in that cupboard. Good thing I checked the pockets before sending it off because it still had some money in it. For the longest time, I could not part with the bag because it was the first good bag I owned that DH got me when we were living in Hong Kong. But it was not something I would use anymore. SO I had to set it free to someone who could use it and give it a good home.

I had to smile when I saw that black rug sack sitting pretty in the window of Oxfam charity shop. Goodbye my dear. May someone else find you a great joy.

Lesson No 362, my memories stay with me, not with worldly personal possessions. If anything, the world is open for me to make even more beautiful memories.

Towards the end, I had to enlist the help of uncle Dean to get rid of the rest of our stuff. And boy we had so much stuff! Luckily he is a very keen gardener and was very keen indeed in inheriting all of our garden tools. We had everything, the hedge trimmer, the landmower, the compost, miracle grow, the nice hose, the extension cord. Everything he took.

He helped me emptied out the cupboard. Oh boy I bought a lot of candles. I don't know why I bought them when I hardly used them. Perhaps I thought I'd use them for a romantic dinner and/or cuddle or something.

Lesson no 363, no more buying candles! Unless I could use them to see my auras or something useful to that effect.

With Danny's progress each room was painted with magnolia walls and brilliant white ceilings. He did a good job and the apartment got a new suit, a new skin, a new feel. Each room became depersonalized, they were no longer the walls we painted with love and became a sign of old baggage being getting rid off.

I just had to close my eyes. What could fit in our bags could come with us, the rest well either went to Danny, uncle Dean, Kak Nor, the charity shop, the rubbish bin and/or the skip. Its almost like having my own Life Laundry episode.

Lesson no 364, need to trim down my clutter. I tend to accumulate too much. What is no longer used need to be recycled or gotten rid of.

If anything our struggle is nothing different that what most people have to go through each day. It is no way extraordinary. If anything it made us stronger and more aware of what we are capable of achieving as long as we set our minds to it and work hard at it.

So everyone kept asking me how my trip to London was. To that my answer is, I had to face my past and our future at the same time. Of course we had some sunny days and went to a few interesting places that perhaps I will blog about. But at this time, I am facing my demons. I have come to face the fact that I am a hoarder and I must stop hoarding.

And I will set the flat free, so that my tenant will live there and get the joy and happiness that we enjoyed, helping us save for The Little One's future. There are no more cobwebs of my inability to let go. I have moved on. And I will continue to move on.

From now on, I will make better choices. I will shift my life from shades of gray to beautiful living colors.

My beautiful child, I hope you will understand that good things in life don't just come in a platter to you. May you learn from our life lessons, not repeat them and achieve better than what we can. May you lead a life more extraordinary than ours, with each day bringing wondrous joy.

My darling dearest, we did this together before and will go through it together again if we need to. Thank you for traveling round the world with me. I love you and want you to always be happy.

I want to go hhhoooommmmeee

The little one seemed to be missing home. Don't blame her, its been topsy curvy here. At first we just thought she was tired of being out in the rain.

"Don't worry we'll be home in 20 mins," we assured here.

"Which House?" she would ask us.

"In Br0mley of course," we told her.

"No! I want the other home," was her reply.

Other home?

"In Riiyaad," she said.

She's been missing her friends so badly apparently. Two weeks without regular contacts with other children. I ried to bring her to Gymboree whenever we stayed home to do stuff. But I guess its different than being with other kids who were her friends.

It was also funny how she told the decorator, "This is my house."

It is definitely yours my child. Your future. Your college fund. And may both the house and you prosper together.

Lesson no 351 - Learning to let go of the past

Coming back was a bit of a shock to me. Especially the state of the flat. The house sitter had left in a hurry and his hurry was all too present. An unwashed mug with some coffee still in the mug. Crumbs everywhere. Even food in the fridge, now rotten. The kitchen was in an absolute mess.

Our bedroom was familiar but a bit dusty and musty. Its been awhile since any fresh air has come in.

The front door is flooded with mail. Thank God for double doors. Last thing I need are obvious signs that the flat was unoccupied.

A huge box stood in the living room. Packed but nowhere to go. No sign of the owner. No way of contacting him. Never got his contact details in Malaysia. Perhaps never will.

It was somehow depressing but we were determined to make things work.

Sadder still was going through past belongings. I decided that I was going to throw out everything. (Except my purse with 190 quid in it. That was a nice surprise.) But I've decided that I will not look anymore and just stuffed all my old clothes and things into garbage bags. the clothes can go to the charity shops and the other stuff just into the skip.

Not knowing how to contact the house sitter, we opened that box that stood in the living room. Sad actually. Things that could mean something to him but yet he could not throw away. Cards, old statements letters. Why does he keep them? I'll never know.

And he seems to love keeping old bottles. I understand the importance of recycling but he seemed to have 2 cupboardful of them. I mean if he had threw them out one by one, it wouldn't be a mountain of bottles he left behind. Perhaps he meant well wanting to recycle. Or perhaps he just got stuck on an idea but failed to work on it.

And the same for old amazon boxes. Had he thrown them out one by one as they came it, it wouldn't be collecting the way it has. Perhaps he has karang guni tendencies?

For me, he just could not let go. He could not move on. He never recovered since he got heart broken.

I was quite angry for awhile. Because a lot of the skip seemed to be filled with the stuff he left behind. I came back to deal with my stuff and instead have to deal with the stuff he left behind too.

I must have been so blind. He can't seem to be able to handle his stuff and why would I think he would be able to handle mine. Perhaps by allowing him under our roof, we did him a disservice. Allowed him to wallow even longer. But surely that wasn't my call.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I will take a leaf out of his book. I must determine how my past can help my future and not collect too much baggage with me. It is very important to move on. Learn my lesson and quickly move on. Not to dwell on past anger, helplessness and unhappiness.

How I deal with tomorrow is related to how I deal with today. I will deal with whatever comes today, today and not let them pile up into the mountain of bottles as aftermath.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If this seems familiar to you, you know how to contact me. Its not that I'm looking for money but perhaps it would be common courtesy for you to keep in touch.

And we are off

I am so not prepared. But I guess we miss this sort of last minute trips. We are off to UK today! Horay!

Amongst the things we want to do:

1) Visit Legoland
2) Pick strawberries
3) Whipsnade Animal park
4) Stonehenge
5)Woburn Safari Park

We will be eating

1) clotted cream
2) fresh strawberries
3) Fresh cherries
4) Delicious salads
5) Pierre Marcolini

But we aim to settle a few things this trip. Like mowing the lawn, trimming the garden, clearing out all of my personal stuff and polishing the house.

Its time to let the flat pay for it self. No more emotional attachment!

Wish us luck!

I'm going for an allergy testing. Hopefully I'll know more about my body.

I am having a mini panic attack actually. I seem to have forgotten my pin numbers for my UK credit cards. They have a chip and pin now. Boy I am in trouble! Back to chasing after trains and train schedules. Perhaps seeing a rain drop or two (oops can't find my umbrella!) Selfridges sale starts today. But perhaps its not wise to go hahaha. I bet Harrods sale has started too. But I have real work to do!

The Little One could not sleep last night because she so wanted to go to pick her own strawberries. In due time sayang. I hope she will be able to achieve her dreams all the time. This child of mine, when she has an idea in her head, it doesn't seem to go away. Not even geography can get in the way apparently!

My DH needs this break desperately. It will rejuvenate him, I'm sure.

Tomorrow will mark the 10 years we've been married, boy oh boy it only felt like yesterday. It will be lovely to go back and go to our familiar places in London. Things and times have changed. So have we.

I look forward to going home.

Sometimes people are sent to you for a reason

Su K is one of those people that would make some people uncomfortable. She is non conforming. She doesn't really care how she looks or what she wears and sometimes does say things that may throw people off.

And she hates TV. Which does kill off some conversations. Some people find her downright strange, others find her intimidating.

But I am beginning to find Su K to be a friend and a teacher. Her unconventional ways may not necessarily be my life style of choice but I do find that there is a lot I could learn from her. (Like premaculture which could be a whole different entry.)

I remember her coming to a quilt meeting and for some reason or other her driver didn't show up. I didn't want to leave her and her neighbor behind but could not offer to send them home because they live way on the other side of town and I wanted to get home before the Little One's bed time.

So Su K said, "Its ok just drop me off outside somewhere and we'll hail a taxi."

Now thats a big thing here. 2 women, one of them a white Amer/c@n, hailing a taxi by the side of the road of an unknown neighborhood. I was very concerned for them. But Su K was not frazzled. She took it in her stride.

I happened to hangout with her the other day and she told me a story about Bill.

Bill was someone she picked up on her way home from her University. There were very few houses in her neighborhood and to see a man walking while trying to hitchhike was something quite rare . SO Su K stopped and told him, "If you are not dangerous you can come in my car and I'll take you to where you want to go."

Su K was brave that way.

So Bill told her that he had come from Illinois and was in Kansas because he heard that his uncle was building a log house and needed help. He had hitchedhiked part of the way, walked the other parts and slept in the rough, under bridges and so on.

Bill's uncle's house was about 30 mins away from Su K's house and she drove him there, only to find, upon their arrival that 2 M3xicans were moving into the house that Bill thought belonged to his uncle. They did not know about Bill's uncle and no one around there could give him any information about his uncle.

So Su K decided to bring Bill home.

She told him that he is welcomes to stay in their farm There is a lot of work to be done and they would provide him with room and board in return.

As it turned out that at that time Su K's husband wanted to run a bed & breakfast business. They had a huge basement which was in a huge mess and needed to be tidied up.

Bill stayed. And it turned out that they needed to retile that basement and guess what? Bill was a professional tiler.

So Bill tiled that floor. Help them fix up the basement. When he finished Su K and her hubby paid Bill and bought him a bus ticket to get home.

She has never heard from Bill since of course.

I don't know if I will take my chances with people the same way Su K does, but Su K's story reminds me how sometimes it pays to listen to our instincts.

My fear of getting hurt make me stay away from people. But Su K's story just reminded me that I don't always need to be afraid of helping people who may need my help because I may need their help instead!

Goodbye Rochelle

Just before I got into bed, I realized that I had a text message unread.

"Rochelle died in a car accident."

It said.

I didn't know Rochelle that well, but that didn't mean that I wasn't sad or shocked. We met through other people. She had started quilting and wanted to buy fabric from me.

Then silence.

I heard from other people she packed her bags for South Africa, left an abusive marriage. Which was a bit of a shock to me because I thought they were doing all sorts of treatments to try for a baby. Which goes on to show you never really know what goes on behind closed curtains.

Death is such that it reminds you of your own. That we all are mere mortals and our day will come one day.

So while we're here, I should embrace each day as it comes. I should not dwell on the small and the unimportant things.

Its your special day

Wishing you a very happy birthday.

May each day be filled with happiness, abundance, joy and good health.

If I had my way, I'd buy you a Ferrarri and fly you over to watch a race. Perhaps its not yet time.

So for now, all I can offer you are lots of love, hugs and kisses. With a promise that I will continue to travel the world with you, where ever you choose to go.

Wishing you many more wonderful birthdays to come. Because you're the one I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with.


PS Kalau bawak Ferrari kang anak nak letak mana? Atas bumbung ka?

I'm motivated!

I am determined and motivated. Nothing stops me.

I feel great and am ready for anything.

I love life and life loves me back.

Today I am on top of the world, anything is possible.

I go for my goals and I reach them; nothing stands in my way.

I am not afraid of anyone or anything; I feel confident and assertive.

Today I start my fabulous new life.

I believe in myself 100 per cent and I am not ready to live my dreams.

I never make excuses, I do things on time and I keep to my word.

I am so lucky to be alive.

My full plate is decorated

What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

Allah may plan a sequence of events that appear to be unrelated and coincidental, that I can only call Fate.

Sometimes I may momentarily forget that there is a silver lining behind every cloud.

But here I am today, glad and happy, thankful and grateful, that everything is mapped out for me, for the good of things.



Allhamdullilah

My plate is always full

"You are always committing yourself to all sorts of things," declared my friend, mentor and adviser.

I thought about it for a moment.

And she is right of course.

I seem to have a knack to take all sorts of things on. Sometimes without thinking and later realizing that perhaps I had bitten off more than I could chew.

Could it because I am trying hard to please everyone around me? Not really, I have kept people whom I think bring negative energy at an arm's length.

I guess I like the challenge. I like trying out new things and testing myself to the limit. There is a thirst inside me that says I am capable of more, just not realizing that I am human afterall and have my limits.

I seem to pack my schedule full to the brim and if I don't program things in my schedule I may forget.

But I do enjoy the company of my quilting friends. Their creativity and willingness to help, with regards to quilting or otherwise, just warms my heart that I feel that I too want to contribute my worth. With them I always feel that I learn something new, some thing different, be it about sewing, culture and life in general.

As a result I sometimes seemed to have neglected my "other" friends and neighbours. And may have even offended a few.

I have since decided that should they feel I am not good enough to be a friend to them, then it would be their loss, not mine. If they have some issues to deal with within themselves, I must not undertake to accept these issues as mine but rather see it as theirs.

I cannot help people who cannot help themselves.

If I appear to be selfish because I want to keep positive people and positivity around me, so be it. I need to love myself first. No one will love me if I don't love myself. And to love myself is to protect myself from harm, hurt and grievances.

I will be true to myself and accept that there are others who have different views about life and friendship than mine. I don't believe in teaching others' a lesson. Thats not my place.

I've had a tough month behind me and I may have a tough road ahead. But what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

I will live and let live. So be it.

The questions have started

At age 2 and a half, The Little has started the incessant why and where.

"Mummy where is your Mummy?"

"She is not here."

"Where is she?"

"She has passed away."

"Oh."

"Daddy, where is your mummy?"

"Wan?"

"Yes."

"She is in Malaysia."

"Oh."

"Mummy, is your mummy here?"

And the cycle starts over again. Perhaps death is not yet a concept she could understand. And I suppose it puzzles her that I don't have a "mummy."

And calling us Mummy and Daddy, thats purely, 100% her own choice. She rotates between Abah & Ummi and Daddy and Mummy.

And then there's Mongku.

Who is Mongku you may ask. I wondered too. From what I can gather, Mongku is a boy who sleeps in her bed which is next to us. I am Mongku's mummy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

She has also learn to interpret emotions from facial expression.

Just the other day, I caught her poking her paint brush at the domestic help. It wasn't in a mean, rather cheeky sort of way. I quickly reprimanded her for doing so because I do not want her think that its OK to poke people, even if it was gently with paint brushes.

"But mummy she is laughing!" She declared.

She was right though. The Domestic help didn't take offense to what The Little One did and was laughing at her antics instead. And The Little One felt that she was encouraged by the laughing.

She is definitely testing her boundaries to the fullest!

The girl with the (faux) pearl necklace

She's come a long way. From hating separation and school, she now readily goes to school. Its not that I want her educated in terms of reading and writing sort of way. I wanted to give her the opportunity to interact with other children without clinging on to me. I didn't want her to have the only child syndrome, spoilt and do not know how to interact with other children their age who behave inappropriately with other people.

Its wonderful to see that she is well liked by her peers. I mean of course I know my child is charismatic and agreeable. But to see her exuding leadership qualities at a young age is just something else. I guess she could just be bossy but amazing still is that other children want to be with her. They want to do what she is doing and greet her with such enthusiasm and joy. To have friends who like you at such an early age is surely a wonderful thing.

Last week they had a "graduation" day. The Little One of course decided that it was her most disagreeable day. Luckily enough we managed to muster this photograph. I was in two minds about the picture. On one hand I wanted her to look exactly as she does normally, a little bit mucky and a little bit cheeky. At the same time I wanted to dress her up in one of the beautiful frocks gathering in her closet. At least we'll remember that she had smocking dresses.

There is a story to the pearls she wore. It was given as a souvenir from a friend on our roadtrip to Madinah. I had wanted to buy the faux pearls because they were sold by Chinese looking young girls just outside the Majid with two qiblat. Unfortunately I didn't have small change then and another lady bought them as a gift for me. It just touched me that girls at such a young age are selling stuff perhaps as ways to help bring food in for their family. Its much better than begging I guess.

And it was My Little One who requested to wear these pearls I almost forgot and kept away in a drawer.

I almost think that The Little One knows that the pearls serve as a reminder to me how fortunate we are and how grateful I am to my Creator for all he has given to us.



My Little One I hope that you will always lead a life full of happiness and privilege. I know you will understand that it is through prayer, concentrated intent and hard work that you can achieve all that you want in your life.

I will embrace new adventures

I must remember to be brave and embrace adventures as they present themselves to me.

I always pride myself in taking off beaten tracks and paths less travelled, so when opportunity arises I will stand up, face the sun and accept the challenge.

I have done it and can always do it.

The best is yet to come.

Oppurtunity of a lifetime?

About twelve years ago, we were shopping for our wedding and engagement rings and some pink diamonds were presented to us.

I was young and naive and did not do my research. Back then the Internet was not as extensive as it is now.

Not knowing what pink diamonds were, I turned down that opportunity to pick them as my wedding ring.

I love the ring that we chose. But at the back of my mind I will always remember that instance as the ignorance of my youth and my lack of knowledge. It was an opportunity that presented itself to us, out of the blue, but I didn't take it up because I didn't know any better.

If anything it was a lesson that I kept. That I will not stop my quest for knowledge and to learn more about the things and the world around me such that if I stumble a treasure by chance again, I will grab that opportunity and not let it go.

It appears that on the 10th year of our marriage, (I still can't believe that its been that long) another opportunity of a lifetime approaches us.

I can still remember that instance when I saw the pink diamonds, it was "Oh really? Ok. Whatever."

Now these treasures are presented to me, with the possibility of me owning them. My initial thought is that we don't know enough. And even with the internet I don't seem to know enough.

Their owner is selling them because she wants to put her child through University.

And me? I am still undecided. But I am very grateful the opportunity is presented to us.