Tired

[Caution rant in progress. Please do not read if you are not interested in the rant of a tired, annoyed and pre-menstrual person]

I am tired of being told what to do.

"Did you doa in Arafah and asked for children?"

I was close to saying, if it was something that I really wanted, I would have. Did you think that I was an idiot and not asked for the things I wanted?

Why do people always assume that what they want is what I want? Or what I want is similar to what they want?

So I gave an answer which I thought was a diplomatic one.

"I asked Allah for abundance in rezeki. If he feels that I should have children then he will give some to me. Afterall he knows what is best for me, shoudn't he? And afterall its all been predestined? I am not one of those who want children very badly, if we get it, fine we'll be thankful. If we don't, I am happy with what I have been given and I am grateful with what I have."

I am tired of explaining this to people. I wish they would stop asking. I am happy where I am and with what Allah has given me and with what I am doing. Why should I need to explain these things to people? Its none of their business anyways?

What I am most unhappy about is that I feel that the question is very intrusive but they, on the other hand, don't think so. Might as well ask me, hows your sex life? [But I don't want to go there either because someone actually told me her husband uses condom as a ploy to find out what we do in bed.]

People always seem to think that they know best and try to tell me what they think is best for me. I normally let it be. In comes one ear and out the other. But after awhile, the ears do get tired and the heart bleeds a little and the mouth inclined to say unpleasant things. And I don't like being nasty for I know I am a horrible person when I am nasty. Just don't corner me.

For the record, I do want a trip round the world. I want to go to every country and terrain there is. Perhaps I don't just want just one trip but a lifetime of trips. I want to jump off a plane with a parachute. I want to learn to speak many different languages, including I hope Arabic. I want lots of books to read. Recently I found out that if I knew good grammatical Arabic, it will mean that I could read all the reference books on Hadith and Sunnah. But I unfortuntely I haven't even finish reading the translated version of the Quran. I had one week to read the translated version and suddenly all the verses made more sense to me and I do want to read more.

And they thought they needed to tell me how else I should fill my time? Even the 24 hours I have at the moment is not sufficient!

Perhaps if I chat less online then I would have more time to read. But I do love the characters and friends I meet online. I guess these people are different than those I meet here. They are people, directly or indirectly, whose company I have chosen or seek out to because they stimulate and interest me. And its not because we are stuck in one geographical location because our husbands have been chosen to work here.

Yes I am an intellectual snob. I yearn for intelligent and thought provoking conversations. Or witty funny ones. I do like gossip yes but just not all the time. I like to ponder about life, the universe a little bit but they just found me too weird. They needed to change me to be one of them.

I am tired of the old housewives sort of conversations, "Kalau nak anak lelaki main sekali sekali, nak anak perempuan main selalu-selalu. Pakai Nona Roguy tu serasi." That sort of thing can be entertaining yes but ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Enough already!

Sorry I am being cranky. Perhaps a little caustic and also a snob. I guess I am an hermit crab, I just want to crawl in my shell with my DSL internet connection (hopefully uncensored,) with lots of books and my credit card to do all my online shopping. And I will stay in my shell until I am tired of being alone and will then seek out some human company.

But tonight I have to go for another kenduri.

Will write on my right palm, "Smile and keep your mouth shut" and my left palm "listen and look interested."

Hope that will work. Wish me luck.