Monday, October 27, 2008

Do I sound testy?

I have been trying very hard to keep it inside, but somehow some testiness is spilling out. And I don't like it. Perhaps its my PMS or just that its all bottled in that some spilled out.

And I don't like myself when I am testy this way. But I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Its very hard to establish boundaries and I don't want to seem inflexible or territorial. At the same time, the undercurrent power struggles and the imaginary battles just becomes apparent to me and I am fighting very hard not to take sides. Because I don't want to take sides. Its not my problem. Its not my business. And some people are very good at spinning beautiful tales embellished with beautiful yarn. And somehow my instinct tell me that I should know better than to accept lock, stock and barrel.

At the same time, I am not a confrontational person. I don't like telling people off, nor do I want to point out reality to a delusional person. But somehow this restrain is just making me so testy!

Its just so subtle how the fangs come out, with the cutest little voice and the sweetest smile. Add in a tear drop or two at the corner of the eye. I understand she feels unappreciated and wronged. But hey, that was your battle not mine. And those were your choices and I had nothing to do with it. Thanks for the heads up but no thank you for the implied.

What just bugs me is that receiving all that saccharine venom is affecting me when I don't want to be affected. And I am afraid of passing it on. I may even have actually.

I will learn to fight the battles that I want to fight and not to take up battles that are not mine. Even if the war cry is egging me on. The truth has been seen already and I didn't even say a thing. (Thank God!)

I just want to say my peace and release it out to the Universe and not keep it inside of me.

Because I am better than that.
I am not her.
I will not be her.
And I will not repeat whatever it is she says, no matter how compelling it is for me!
Because I have learnt my lesson through what she has shared with me and will not repeat them myself.

Argghhhhhh please God give me strength! I believe in paying forward with kindness and happiness!

I don't want anger, malice and bitterness! Especially those that were given to me as unwanted presents! Begone you bottled up feelings!

*sigh* I am human after all.


LaurieSue said...

You are a truly kind, patient, and wonderful human!

Joy said...

Getting it off your chest is a good thing. Hang in there! You are doing the right thing to distance yourself from certain people to protect yourself and your family. Sigh. It's a pity it has to be that way....
Go sew, that will help :)

elisataufik said...

good thing you have a blog to let it all out.
Your efforts no matter how little, will be recognized by Him, insya-Allah.

atiza said...

that's why I found blog as heaven sent..i can let my feelings go haywire in here..and still remain anonymous to all..

zaman dulu, we use paper and pen..pastu carik kecik2...

atenah said...

oh my, of late i have been going through nearly the same things. and when i read your writing i thought you wrote it with such clarity that i will never achieve. again, you helped me think out things