2nd March 2004
I have just returned from a last minute trip to Japan. Just lately I have just been bitten by a bug to be on the move again. To refresh my mind and have the ability to see things a new again. I was plagued by depression the week before my trip. Perhaps I just had a very low, low after my backpacking trip to Europe. Perhaps its just the uncertainty about my next move to the Middle East. Perhaps its my reluctance to move on.
I have been living in London for the past 2 years. Must say it has been the longest place I have lived in for the past 6 years. I was beginning to form roots here. The people at the bank know me. The checkout ladies at Marks & Spencer recognize me. My garden is the reflection of the work that I have done. My daffodils bloomed, my roses preparing for Spring and my freesias are waiting for the signs of Spring. I never knew that I had green fingers. I never knew that I was capable of making things grow. I love my backyard!
My flat is my first home for the last 6 years. Before that I lived in various rented apartments and hotel rooms. But its in Bromley that I found my home. I can tell you exactly where I got the paint for each room. Or why each color was chosen. Or the incident of buying the couch from DFS. I haven't gone round to test the fireplace either. I know I will miss this place so much! Much more than the other places I stayed at. I was beginning to have roots here and its more difficult for me to uproot this time.
Why move then you may ask? I realize more than anything else that everything is transient in this world. Life is about constant change. And I know what I do best is adapting. I was beginning to become lazy. I was beginning to see things with the same filters. I needed to move on, in order to get a new filter to see the world.
Amazingly I only managed to do the real things I wanted to do in London in the past year. Managed to travel more, saw more plays in the West End. I had a hard time in the first year. Perhaps it was because it was so hard for me to adjust in the first year, now 2 years on since I have managed to adapt to myself here, I am finding it much harder to leave. Or perhaps I am getting too old.
I never knew I would be someone who would be so affected by age. I remember a long time ago when I was 8, thinking to myself, how does it feel like being an adult? To be able to do anything and everything that I wanted. To have the ability to see beyond the places that are familiar to me. My first break was to Canada at the age of 21. I had never traveled alone before. I didn't really have any idea how it was going to be like or whom I will meet. All I had with me was the burning desire to experience more than what my parents ever did! But then I was young, naive and trusting. My 20s were marked with all sorts of questions about me. Who am I? What am I made of? What am I capable of?
But alas now I have reached the landmark age of 30! One month before I officially turned 30 I found my first white hair!! Boy I was depressed! My body was physically changing, leaving me behind. I was ready to be the BIG THREE ZERO yet. Through my late 20s I felt that I was still 25. So I always just labeled myself as 20 something. But that era came to and end! I am now in my third decade.
At 31, I realized I am a more confident person. I now know what I want and what I don't want. I know that I am attractive (something which for the longest time I wasn't sure of.) But I cannot say the same about my body. IF I could just sleep anywhere before, my body now craves for comfortable beds. My face calls for regular facials. My hair requires regular treatments. And I am no longer as strong, fast and invincible that I thought I was before.
So here I am, as I turn 31 this year! Ready to tell the world! Yes I am 31!! [Thank god people still think I am 20 something. Or perhaps they were just being kind to me!]