In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
Time is witness that, surely, mankind suffers loss,
except for those of faith,
Who do good, and become a model of truthful living,
and together practice patience and constancy.
Translated by Kabir Helminski
Time has flown by very quickly for me. Suddenly I have less time to read blogs and even write blogs. Good or bad, only time will tell.
Sorry for not having the time to reply to your comments and for not being able to read your blogs as religiously as I used to do. Those whom I met regularly in Pok Ku's ym chatroom, sorry for not being able to chat as much as I used to.
Suddenly I find myself only having about an hour a day to devote myself at my pc. I think there are some emails still pending, "Anonymous" I have been meaning to write an email to you but somehow I havent been able to do so.
Perhaps I am just being typical me, I like to take a step back sometimes, I have a short attention span, I am obsessed about doing new things. The blogsphere has been very useful and interesting to me. Its where I cast out my insecurities, my thoughts, my preoccupation and my dissatisfaction. It was my way of staying sane. But at the same time I realised now, that there are people reading my blog. Hehehe yes its a weird relationship I have with my blog and my blog readers. The whole idea of writing one is such that my thoughts are in the open but I don't really know if I am comfortable of the same thoughts being out in the open. And sometimes people read things differently, sometimes they interprete the thought of my writing entirely different from my intention. Then again I am a contration anyways. I don't always know myself.
But what I know, I try to do as much good as I can. Sometimes its misinterpreted. Sometimes its misunderstood. But I have come to a point in my life that even when I do get hurt, I understand that I can never get along with everyone and I can never please everyone. But what I can do is to be true to myself and do all things that please me. And my lovely husband. Its selfish I know. How I lead my life has been somewhat selfish, I am about me, me, me. I am not delusional about that. But I am in the view that I try not to hurt other people even when I am being selfish.
I had enjoyed reading other people's thoughts through their blogs. Often I try to give an honest opinion. Sometimes I just abstain. Blogs gave me a way of taking a peek into other people's lives and thoughts. And I did find it interesting.
But all this peeking into other people's lives is sometimes too much for me. Especially if they are people whom I know and live with. Lately I have been fed with stories of my neighbours and acquaintances here. And frankly, I don't really want to know. I wish I don't know. And I don't like people peeking into my life either. Especially those who are constantly trying to find ammunition to fire.
"Is that your new dinnerset? How much did you pay for that?" or "Ah your new handbag? You always get yourself a new handbag?" Really? What is it to you? Did I ask you for money to buy it for me? I don't understand why some people get all defensive when they know what you have. I guess they are being competitive. Envy is a terrible thing. When envy becomes the center of a person's psyche, the person becomes very ugly. But I am not in competition with you I always wanted to say. But I forget, perhaps I am not in competition with them, but they are in competition with me.
Its annoying to be in a competition that you don't want to take part in the first place.
So I am taking stock of my life again. I vow to lead my life the best way I can. I vow to lead every minute of my life as meaningful as I can, in the way that is meaningful for me. Even if its just cuddling in front of the TV with my beloved. Because every second that I spend with him is very precious to me. And I hope he feels the same way too.
I will make myself happy as much as I can. I recognize there are good days and bad days but I shall not let the bad days overshadow the good days. I will not yearn for the past and the things that I cannot have. But I will look forward to good things always. I have the power to make myself happy, not other people.
I will lead my life with no regrets. No regrets of what I did or didn't do yesterday and no regrets of what I will do tomorrow. I will lead my life to the fullest. And not compare myself to other people. I may take a leaf out of their book as a lesson for my life, as a wisdom that they shared with me, but I always, always, always measure myself against myself.
I believe in fate and predestination. But at the same time I also believe in free will. No matter what our circumstances are, we have control of our own minds, to intrepret our environments for ourselves. And I choose to see both sides of the coins, weigh my options and decide whats the best for me.
And Time, it just passes me by, leaving me behind. Always.