Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I feel for her

Out of the blue we managed to talk again. Its been awhile but I know I’ve been terrible at keeping in touch.

But things haven’t been too good for her. She is still with HIM. Its her choice and its not up to me to judge. We all, individually, make our own decisions based on what we think works for us.

She has 3 young girls. Its not easy starting over with 3 young girls. I know some have done it but not everyone is as brave.

He promised to end things with the other woman. And she took his word for it.

Suffice to say, she found out later on that he actually married that woman across the border. He said he felt responsible for the other HER.

She says that she is happy that he is working abroad, out of the picture, and that he would send money every month to her bank account.

If I could talk to her again, I would ask her if she is happy with her life. I know she sticks with him because she thinks he makes her happy. Does she realize that he is the source of her grief? Does he realize that he is the source of her depression?

Personally, I don’t see why she would stay with someone who is controlling, who treats her like a door mat, who causes her grief and depression.

But I do understand why she stays with him. Because the children need their father and because it’s harder to start over looking for love.

Not many men will be interested in starting life with a 30 something woman with 3 young children.

He has systematically shaved down her feeling of self worth, her self esteem, her circle of friends, the support of family members and the exuberance she once had. He made her dependent on him. He made himself the center of the world, and she could not see the sunlight beyond his shadow.

Sometimes I feel like shaking her, asking her, why? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you let him do this to you? And what do you think your children will get out of this?

But I know she is too fragile for those questions.

I do admire her steadfast nature and the love she has for her children.

If you are reading this, I want you to know, as a friend, I only want you to be happy. I’m not trying to jeer you or alienate you. Its not my place to judge you.

Instead I want to encourage you to make a better life for yourself and your girls. They are all that you have and they learn everything by watching what you do and how you deal with this crisis in your life.

Do not give let him control your lives. Love yourself more. You know you deserve all the love that you need and you don’t need that love from him. You can get it from you.

But the girls will need the love from you.

Take care of yourself and take this down time to take stock of your life. Your future is in your hands. The future of your girls are in your hands. Reclaim back that power before its to late.

What would you say to her?

3 comments:

Hansac said...

Hmmm...

Brian Tracy said marriage is important for the kids. The kids need to know that their parents love each other. It is the first step in the kids' lives, as a preparation for them to have self-esteem, etc.

If husband and wife separates, the kids will always assume it is their (kids) fault.

Tu je.

elisataufik said...

tapikan, children also need fully present parents/parent.

entahlerr
susah nak komen benda2 camni. It usually depends on the individual. Like you, I have learnt not to judge what a person does when the partner is unfaithful.

Good Luck Chuck said...

Elisa:

Firstly, please do not think that my response here is being defensive or reactive or apa-apa. I don't have anything against anyone or anything, just commenting my state of being, without any prejudice on others and without implying anything.

Okay, having cleared that, I, for one, think that my continuous presence can be a negative influence to my kids. I am loud, temperamental, quick-tempered. The occasional time I am at home (weekends and holidays), I am more relaxed, less stressful, and I think better for my kids.

I firmly believe in both quality and quantity. But specific to my case, I think less is more.

Like you said, and I paraphrase, kena tengok keadaan.

I think it is better my kids ikut perangai my wife than my perangai.