Ideological difference

I met A* 5 years ago at an embassy function. We had very little in common except that we were both born in a small tropical island and now stranded in the middle of the desert.

A* is married to a middle eastern gentleman. They met in S/ngap0re when he was working there, their romance blossomed and they got married and she followed him since.

What I find most difficult is that she does not have a mobile phone herself or a home landline number. Her only connection to the outside world is through her husband's mobile phone which he carried with him everywhere he went including work.

"So if you want to call me, you can call him after 9 or 10 pm when he gets home from work and he can pass the phone to me."

"Why don't you get your own? Its easy enough to get a SIM card now and phones are cheap?"

"Well my husband said its not easy. He is busy at work all day long and he comes home tired and stressed out."

"So what is something happens to you in the day should you fall sick or faint or fall?"

"Well I can go to my neighbours and ask for help. Most of my neighbours are his countrymen so they know him well."

At first I thought well if she wants my old mobile, perhaps I can give it to her. But then I realize that perhaps it was not a question of economics or logistics but rather a control and/or emotional issue.

I always prided myself as someone who can empathize other people, their situation, culture or even economic circumstance. However this goes beyond my personal tolerance.

It makes me so mad that she accepts her situation. I have little respect for a man whom I consider controlling.

Last night I met her again and she looked very thrilled to see me. I however had to restrain myself very hard from shaking her into her senses, "Whats this woman! You still have no phone?"

Granted I don't know them well and has not made any effort to bridge the gap.

And what did I learn from this lesson? That I can be very judgmental and prejudiced much to my own chagrin.

If she is happy, why burst her happy bubble. Sometimes the feminist in me cloud my judgement of other people.

My child, if you meet a suitor who cuts you off from your friends or family and controls how you get access to them, run! Run as fast as you can! I am raising you to be a person who can have her own opinion and her own choices. Liberty is your birthright! Work hard to maintain it and don't give it away to anyone. Liberty does come with responsibility like everything else, but once you let it go, it may never come back. You may be a chained changed person forever.

I'm suppose to be packing but I am procrastinating

I leave tomorrow night. I have two opened suitcases, half empty, half full. One is half empty because I haven't finished unpacking from my latest Bahrain trip. The other is half full, because I have filled them with some gifts, bric-a-bracs I have gathered as gifts to bring home.

Its so easy for me to get sidetracked somehow. While trying to pack underwear for the trip, I decided to clear out the drawer of old underwear I haven't used for a long time or those that are ready to retire. Can't explain this further except I had a great satisfaction in pulling out those old things and throwing them out. Gave me a sense of freedom. Afterall I've just been buying new ones and not throwing out the old ones making it very hard to open and close that drawer. My excuse was lack of time.

Instead of going back to packing, I inspired my DH to clear our his closet too, of clothes that no longer fit or should no longer be worn. We did quite well I have to say.

I have decided that I will throw out my old clothes that don't make me look good or don't look good on me. The past three years I didn't have time to look after myself or how I look. I wore clothes that was comfortable rather than flattering. Somedays I didn't even have time to comb my hair let alone look at myself in the mirror.

And shopping here doesn't help either. Without a changing room to try the clothes I sometimes end up keeping some clothes that fit but don't look too great on me because I couldn't be bothered to return to the Mall the nth time to change the clothes.

So my job offer came to me at the most opportune moment. Just as I decided I am ready to be a person again and not just a mother and a wife, the offer came. Work somehow gave me the a reason to revisit my old life in terms of wearing my old office clothes again. Clothes haven't been worn much since I got here. Clothes that represented my old life, life before motherhood. [And not just the clothes, I get to use my brain again, as well as my old skills, some have been rusty.]

Anyways I am digressing. I'm thinking about clothes because I am not sure what to pack. I realize that I have different clothes for different occasion and different places. Some clothes that I am most comfortable with in London would not be suitable in KL. Some clothes I wear here wouldn't do back home. Afterall I have been going to the Mall with my pajamas under my abaya! My clothes needn't be matching since no one else was going to see them right?

I found some clothes I bought on trips back home and never used it since I got back here. I think I will be packing those and if I don't wear them this trip either, perhaps its a good reason to get rid of them!

Somehow it just occur to me that perhaps I am a chameleon. I have a different clothes (appearance/roles) for different people and different location? Am I inconsistent or do I just try to fit in with the location/situation?

So much so for a short entry before packing! Thats food for thought on a different day coz I'd better go back to packing. Whatever it is I am grateful that I have the opportunity to try out different things, live and travel at different places. Thank you God, thank you for all the opportunities that you have presented me with! There should be no room in my life for complains but rather lots to be grateful about!

First weekend in Ramadhan

The evening was filled with relaxed conversation. The men obviously having a good time themselves because their laughter filled the room, so loud that we ladies could hardly hear ourselves speak. The Little One was out with our hosts' teenager daughter. Its lovely that she offered to babysit.

At that point I could not help but be so grateful. Grateful that I have friends who enjoy my company and whose company I enjoy. Who are willing to share the snippets of their lives with me. Who accept me for who I am and I in turn accept them for who they are.

The food on the counter was just overflowing. Laksa lemak (which I love), bubur lumbuk (which I craved), telur ikan goreng (which I havent had for a while), kolak (which i miss), kuih kosue (which i adore and cannot make myself); just to name a few. Alhamdullilah. ALhamdullilah. Alhamdullilah. How blessed can I be?

I had endevoured to make some of MIL's kuih bakar. But my first batch turn out to be pandan chiffon my mistake. So it turns out 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar and 1 cup eggs + pandan flavouring yields pandan chiffon cake. In my dehydrated stupor I had decided to make the kuih without peeking at the recipe first, only to my dismay found the texture very different until the help pointed out that I had forgotten the coconut milk.

My DH started laughing really loudly and immediately declared that he will call his mum to tell her of my misadventure.

My daughter however was teased by the smell of fresh cake out of the oven requested for a slice. She took two bites and said, "Umi, the cake is very delicious! Thank you for making it for me."

Awww, this one really can really say things to make my heart melt.

So I had to make another batch, almost wiping out the whole tray of eggs I bought. This time I left the help run the show.

In the meantime I decided to make fried popiah from scratch, kari daging and roti jala. Not a good idea when I brought my DD for a nap at 3 pm and I woke up at 4 pm, realizing I lost an hour napping with her when all the other stuff was not done! Thank god for hired helps! So we had a devision of labour. I did the mixing and she did the jala-ing of the roti jala. In the meantime I started with the curry and started rolling the spring rolls and immediately try to fry them.

Of course as we got in the car to leave, I heard the azan call and I rushed back inside again to pick up some cake and dates so we could break our fast and push on.

And we were welcomed with friendly smiles and delicious food.

Conversation after dinner focused on what our holiday plans were. Some will go back to Singapore. Others will stay in Riyadh in anticipation of their ski trip to Chamonix.

I know that I will miss my friends and my friendships most when the time comes for me to leave this city. But that day will be inevitable. In the meantime I am truly grateful for Allah's and their generosity.

So how has your Ramadhan been? I hope your Ramadhan will be as fruitful and joyous as you want it to be.

Disposable income vs quality of life

It comes to THAT time again when our feet get itchy and restless. Perhaps its because we could not find a way to escape the heat except at the malls that we aspire to be some place else, much greener and cooler.

We have been here four years now after all. Many asked us how we managed to survive here this long. Truth is that I have learned to love my life here. I shall not lie and lament about how it irks me that women cannot drive or that mutt@was could be a nuisance. I am lucky that the means of transportation is available to me. Granted that its not cheap but I really don't see why other people are complaining when the cost of taxis everywhere else in the world has sky rocketed. I remembered stepping in a taxi in Singapore and before I could even tell the taxi driver where we wanted to go, the fare was already close to $10. And that was after waiting 25 minutes in line!

And I've learned to avoid the mutt@wa lairs. I cover up when I am outside and go to areas where I know I will not be harassed. I've had an encounter or two but it has been fairly decent because I've learned how not to attract attention to myself.

I no longer find it strange that we eat in isolation and even draw the curtains at our "booth" at the restaurant and embrace the privacy of eating sans prying eyes.

Perhaps the fact that the above doesn't bother me means that I am accustomed to life here.

AT the same time, I am also accustomed to our purchasing power here. Enjoying 3 teapots of Galler hot chocolate counts as a pleasant treat. (Of course I didn't drink all 3 teapots alone!) My DH now has a bad habit of choosing items of clothing for the Little One without checking out the price tag first. Tsk tsk! A huge no no in our life past!

I remember the looks my in laws gave us when we only drank at Starbucks in KL. I mean buying drinks for 4 adults at Starbucks could be equivalent for a week groceries for some. I still get that bit! I am not out of touch that way. But the way we see it, we live far away from our families and civilization as we know it, so that we can enjoy the little luxuries in life.

I am grateful to Allah that we have it good here. Our accommodation is catered for. With no worry about water or electricity bills. Petrol costs almost next to nothing, (Less than 10 p), much cheaper than bottled water. The pool is just steps away from my back door, the playground 3 minutes away and I can have domestic help to help me with the household chores and babysit if the need arise. I know we have it good.

And not paying taxes is a big plus. I still remember how painful it feels to see half of our hard earned salary siphoned off to subsidize the single mothers and pay off other people's medical bills.

Then again, there is another part of me that wants more. More to life than that of shopping malls and coffee mornings. The ability to upgrade myself, my mind, my horizon.

I want a better education for my child. Where she is taught by trained and passionate people who truly care and inspire. Not just by some people who see the nursery as a money making opportunity. An acquaintance was truly surprised how much the Little One's fees would be for Montessori school next year. Are you ready for the number? Sr15,900 plus SR1,500 non refundable registration fee. Thats USD4,639 or MYR15,132 or SGD6,370. Surely a handsome sum indeed elsewhere too!

I know I have taken as many opportunities possible to better myself. But there are still some areas I would like to pursue to expand my horizon. Early childhood education for a start. Alternative medicine is another.

I want to be able to bring her to wonderful museums with beautiful paintings and/or artifacts that may interest her. To give her a wide range of life experiences, to see all sorts of different things in her own eyes.

I do miss the ability to walk down to the cinema and watch a movie. Or be entertained by a good musical or show. Or simple things like trying the clothes I want to buy before buying them and have the luxury of interacting with a sales woman who may even recommend me some other clothes that may suit me, rather than be served by bored men.

I want to be able to do more things as a family together. Simple things like going to the zoo and amusement parks for instance. I still don't appreciate the value of men or women only days at the zoo. Which is why we don't go unless its a school trip of some sort.

Then again, I suppose, having a bigger disposable income means that we could afford a few foreign holidays in a year.

Perhaps the answer to my own quandary is that its all about compromise. Life is about making compromises. What would I consider as the important aspects in my life that I am willing to forgo other bits of it?

What is my compromise for living here and what else would I have to compromise for us to move and live somewhere I want to live?

Despite my quandary, I am very grateful to Allah for giving us the myriad of experiences he has given us. And yes we are lucky in the sense that we are in a position to choose where we would like to be and where we would like to go. Alhamdullilah.

I am also very grateful that DH is as willing to travel the world and always found the ways and means of doing it.

In that sense Kakteh, I guess I feel that my glass is half full. I always do wish that it's full to the brim that its overflowing but I must always remind myself how lucky I am that it is half full.

And Ghazali, apparently sometimes the decision is made for us by our Almighty ;) Good luck to you, may your family learn to love life here as I do.

Facing my cobwebs

The last two days was a bit of a struggle. The weather didn't help either. It was freezing cold, grey and wet. All the same reasons why I loved the city. With so little time and so much to do, we had to have lists written down, people to call, cheques to write out, appointments to arrange, keys to be handed over.

Making decisions was sometimes hard. Should we let go? With whom?

Meanwhile Danny the Decorator was making good progress with the painting of the apartment. Another decision we had to make but didn't anticipate. He didn't come cheap. Nothing did. But what do you do?

At first we were really depressed. The place we so loved was such in a dissaray. Unloved and not taken care of. It was a place built with love, hope and sweat.

Perhaps we loved the apartment so much precisely because we had to work extra hard to earn it. To save up for the deposit we had to put ourselves on a strict budget. Every penny had to be accounted for. I'm sure we still have the spreadsheet on a memory disk somewhere. How every penny spent is noted down and the budget adjusted accordingly.

On the days I bought the travel card which then cost GBP4.50, I would have to make sure that I will utilize it as much as I could. It could be the day I go to the market in Croydon, or my bus ride to buy meat, then for Italian class and even a trip to Tesco before heading home. We would both bring large rucksacks so we could stuff all the groceries and necessities in them. We could only buy what we could carry and each purchase would have to be considered seriously, is this a need or want? Its quite hard to struggle with groceries on the bus, you see.

I would normally buy whatever was reduced or on offer. Thats the only way to make the money go further. He would bring a packed lunch. And if we ate out, we would choose things that would last the longest, make us most full for the minimal spend.

Those days I often asked myself, what did I get myself into. We moved to the UK, into a life of penny pinching and public transport from a life of being chauffeured driven and eating out at top eateries in Jakarta. As I struggled with the weight on my back, I would remember the days when groceries were sent to the car and from the car to the apartment by the doorman. But it was a life we chose to leave behind. All for a greener dream.

As uncle Dean pointed out when we told him the story, sometimes its good to struggle a little in life. Makes you appreciate what you have better.

And he is right of course.

Which was why it was so hard to move out of the house. We moved out of the country 4 years ago but just could not move out of that flat.

I still remember how 6 years ago, we slept on the floor on a comforter on the first night we moved in with the patio door open. We had no furniture. But we were incredibly happy. We spent hours trawling about furniture stores, DIY shops, looking at what we want and deciding what we could afford. Once again, the trusted Excel spreadsheet was drawn up, how much we would spend on what and how we would get it home and how else we could get it cheaper.

We painted each walls ourselves. Still have the rollers and the paint tray in the store room. Each of that we did with joy and anticipation. Each choice we did together after hours or research and contemplation.

Which explained why we began to feel a bit different as Danny painted each room. He first started in the kitchen. The room that broke my heart when I got home. It just looked so tired and uncared for. I had spent many hours in that space, cleaning, cooking, thinking. The fresh coat of paint just lifted the spirits of that room. A new lease of life. A breathe of fresh air.

Danny also repaired the hole in the ceiling. Another item that we just kept at the back of our minds for a long time. Why we didn't get it repaired right away I don't know. Perhaps I was afraid of the damage it would cost.

And it was amazing how much stuff we still had there. The skip we hired got quite full. The old TVs got in there first. The TV was purchased within the first 2 months on our arrival. Luckily Curry's delivers.

Clothes, books, shoes were either sent to the charity shop or clothes bank. I still could not throw out or give away the Ecco shoes I backpacked in Europe with. My first Coach bag that was bought in Hong Kong was still in that cupboard. Good thing I checked the pockets before sending it off because it still had some money in it. For the longest time, I could not part with the bag because it was the first good bag I owned that DH got me when we were living in Hong Kong. But it was not something I would use anymore. SO I had to set it free to someone who could use it and give it a good home.

I had to smile when I saw that black rug sack sitting pretty in the window of Oxfam charity shop. Goodbye my dear. May someone else find you a great joy.

Lesson No 362, my memories stay with me, not with worldly personal possessions. If anything, the world is open for me to make even more beautiful memories.

Towards the end, I had to enlist the help of uncle Dean to get rid of the rest of our stuff. And boy we had so much stuff! Luckily he is a very keen gardener and was very keen indeed in inheriting all of our garden tools. We had everything, the hedge trimmer, the landmower, the compost, miracle grow, the nice hose, the extension cord. Everything he took.

He helped me emptied out the cupboard. Oh boy I bought a lot of candles. I don't know why I bought them when I hardly used them. Perhaps I thought I'd use them for a romantic dinner and/or cuddle or something.

Lesson no 363, no more buying candles! Unless I could use them to see my auras or something useful to that effect.

With Danny's progress each room was painted with magnolia walls and brilliant white ceilings. He did a good job and the apartment got a new suit, a new skin, a new feel. Each room became depersonalized, they were no longer the walls we painted with love and became a sign of old baggage being getting rid off.

I just had to close my eyes. What could fit in our bags could come with us, the rest well either went to Danny, uncle Dean, Kak Nor, the charity shop, the rubbish bin and/or the skip. Its almost like having my own Life Laundry episode.

Lesson no 364, need to trim down my clutter. I tend to accumulate too much. What is no longer used need to be recycled or gotten rid of.

If anything our struggle is nothing different that what most people have to go through each day. It is no way extraordinary. If anything it made us stronger and more aware of what we are capable of achieving as long as we set our minds to it and work hard at it.

So everyone kept asking me how my trip to London was. To that my answer is, I had to face my past and our future at the same time. Of course we had some sunny days and went to a few interesting places that perhaps I will blog about. But at this time, I am facing my demons. I have come to face the fact that I am a hoarder and I must stop hoarding.

And I will set the flat free, so that my tenant will live there and get the joy and happiness that we enjoyed, helping us save for The Little One's future. There are no more cobwebs of my inability to let go. I have moved on. And I will continue to move on.

From now on, I will make better choices. I will shift my life from shades of gray to beautiful living colors.

My beautiful child, I hope you will understand that good things in life don't just come in a platter to you. May you learn from our life lessons, not repeat them and achieve better than what we can. May you lead a life more extraordinary than ours, with each day bringing wondrous joy.

My darling dearest, we did this together before and will go through it together again if we need to. Thank you for traveling round the world with me. I love you and want you to always be happy.

I will embrace new adventures

I must remember to be brave and embrace adventures as they present themselves to me.

I always pride myself in taking off beaten tracks and paths less travelled, so when opportunity arises I will stand up, face the sun and accept the challenge.

I have done it and can always do it.

The best is yet to come.

A peek into their lives

One of the most interesting aspects of life on the road, is the opportunity to meet new people, of different professions and backgrounds. They provided insights into some life lessons and experiences, some of which I would not have the opportunity to peek otherwise.

The two gentlemen were ex-armed forces, here on business. One recounted to us his experiences in wartime Bosnia. The other was his trainer.

The third is a heart surgeon, born of a military family that grew up in hardship. Listening to his stories about his childhood made me realize how lucky I was to have a good childhood. My childhood seemed luxurious compared to his.

Between him and his two siblings and their mum, they shared a can of sardines and rice for lunch and dinner. They had occasional keropok for snacks. How his mum sold keropok and batiks to earn extra money for her children.

His father physically abused his mother, who continued to stay with him despite the children asking her to leave her husband.

He took his ticket out as soon as he could. He went to boarding school and later earned a scholarship to study medicine in England. Through sheer hard work and a strong will, he became a specialist.

More than anything else I learned that we are all only human; The Majors, the heart surgeons, the doctors, the politicians, the songstress, the ambassadors. It may be obvious to others perhaps, but it all drove home for me this time after my conversations with them.

We are all in search of the same thing. Happiness, family and means to pay off our bills and mortgages. We all have the same struggles in life. We all have our own life lessons to learn, and we can all attain everything that we dream for, as long as we believe in ourselves and we work hard to achieve our dreams and goals.

The roads may be different, but the journeys are similar.

Thank you for giving me this insight.

Generosity of neighbours

I walked as fast as I could to the store. The mission, to get 12 cubes of chicken stock. Of course they had absolutely no chicken stock cubes at the store. Passed by 2 neighbours, said brief hellos.

"She looks like a woman on a mission to me," remarked D.

"Yes well I went to get some chicken cube stocks but of course the store had none. I'm just having some company over and needed to make chicken rice."
"Tell you what, why don't you drop by and see if I have some."
Errrr, surely its embarrassing to be usurping your neighbors supply of chicken stock?

But I really want this chicken rice so why not.

We walked briskly to D's house. Pop into her larder and Wallah! I wiped out 8 of her chicken cube stocks!

I was just so touched by her generosity! I couldn't even thank her enough!

"Enjoy them" was all she said.

Note to self: I must get her something nice!

++++++++++++++++

The following day, on our way home back from school, we dropped by M's house to say hello. M is The Little One's best friend in school.

M has been suffering from some fever.

Her mum answered the door and told us that M was much better, thanks very much for asking. She was sleeping at that very moment and we would be seeing her for Kindermusik class the next day.

Just as we were about to leave, M's mum asked me if I would like a box of truffles. She knew I liked the truffles because she had offered them to me previously and I had confessed my weakness for truffles. These are Belgian Cocoa dusted chocolate truffles from Marks and Spencers no less! And apparently M's mum and dad didn't want them anymore!

Sheepishly I agreed to accept them. I didn't know what else to say except thank you!

Note to self: Need to get something nice either for M or M's parents.

What did I do to deserve such generosities? I am just so touched by other people's kindness to me.

Dear Allah, thank you so much for the generosity of my kind neighbors. Thank you for putting me in an environment surrounded by kind and generous people. I hope that I can be a kind and generous neighbor to my neighbors too.

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Being far away from home, I am always so grateful that I have friends who consider me family. We were invited to a Chinese New Year lunch. Although I am genetically 50% Chinese, I do not know the Chinese customs or culture as much as my genetic make up. What I know are bits and pieces here and there offered by various friends, neighbours and colleagues.

To my pleasant surprise my Little One received many handsome red packets. I am ashamed to say that I didn't prepare any red packets for the other little ones. Note to self, please prepare some for next year if I do get invited again.

I even received a New Year present, a set of four soup bowls with a red packet inside.

I don't know what I did to deserve the wonderful people I have around me who are always generous towards me and my family. I hope they will always stay with me and enrich me.

If I am doing something right that endear me to them, I hope I will be able to continue to do so.

Thank you Allah, for the wonderful people you put around me. And for the enriching environment you allow me to experience. I hope I will be able to grow to be a better person all the time.

Am I ready to return?

For some, their hearts are always set to their homeland. Everyday they think about what they miss back home in Malaysia. And every holiday they look forward to returning to Malaysia. Even though their bodies are here, their spirits and their minds are still back in Malaysia.

Unfortunately I am one of those people who don't really fancy the idea of going back. Not at the moment anyways. Yes I do miss some of the family. (Although I have to confess that I don't mind being out of the loop from the family gossips and the latest misunderstanding etc.) And yes I do miss the food.

I can't believe I am saying this myself but I am beginning to like it here. More accurately, I like the life we lead here. I don't have to worry about going to weddings and kenduris. Most of my time is our own, we're not tied down to taking to attend family functions etc. I guess its not just the life here but generally life abroad.

I like the fact that we could travel and of course it helps that we have a bigger disposable income here. For me there is a balance between the amount we could spend and the amount we could save.

Luckily for me my dearest share my passion for travel and seeing and trying new things. I would be so devastated if all he ever want to do is return to Malaysia for holidays. We do like to go to different places ever so often.

So he puts forward to me the possibility of returning back to The Homeland and suddenly I get a little bit sweaty. For me I had always envisioned that we would return when its time to retire. Or at least we would return after we have finished paying off all our debts, have a well cushioned retirement plan.

But of course things change a little bit since we have The Little One. Suddenly we realize the value of living near The Family so both parties could get to know each other better. Also it would be more beneficial for The Little One to know more about traditions and her cultural background. Something which I am not very big on. I know very little about cultural believes and in fact sometimes believe very little in them. (Like pantang larang lepas bersalin etc. I was at the supermarket 5 days after delivering the baby.) But I do realize its important for The Little One to see some of that for herself because its part of her cultural identity and it will be up to her in the future to decide if she would like to keep them or not.

And I guess the other thing is, for me, if or when we return, its means that we are settling down. And settling down is something that I am uncertain if I am ready for. We've been travelling for the last 9 years and I like the adventure of living abroad.

I suppose what it is, is more change. Change in lifestyle. Change in income. Change in responsibilities. Naturally I am somewhat apprehensive to this sort change.

I already lost my mum while we were on the road. Perhaps going back now will be good so The Little One could spend more time with her remaining grandparents, uncles and aunties.

Funnily enough I would have to relearn the Malaysian way of doing things if we go back. Perhaps it is time?

In search of a better life I

Our waiter asked us how old The Little One was.

"Fifteen months," we told him.

How quickly time flies. She was a month old when we first brought her with us to the restaurant.

We asked him if he had any children.

"A girl," he told us. "She's fourteen now. She lives all by herself in the Ph/ll/p/nes."

All by herself at fourteen?

"Yes her mum is working here with me as a nurse. We thought that by working here for a few years we could provide her a better future. "

"With the salaries we earn here, we could afford to send her a much better school."

Obviously the sacrifice is that their teenage daughter is growing up without her parents.

Not all expats get a cushiony package. But almost all come with hope to get a better life for their loved ones, one way or other.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Uncertainty is one word I could use to describe my current situation. Will we stay or do we move on?

If we do move on where will we be going? There was hope that it was to be Ireland. Then there was promise of Tehran. And then there's the possibility of Bahrain. Or back to the UK. Or home to KL/Singapore. Or we could stay here.

If push comes to shove, if we do move, I will. If we have to move every few months, I will.

For the longest time, I had everything I had with me in 2 suitcases. Then we had 2 mugs, 2 plates, 2 sets of cutlery and a saucepan that travelled with me. And then I thought, I was tired of living that way. I thought, finally, I wanted to live in a place that really felt like home. We got a proper dinnerware, real cutlery, that sort of thing.

Now that I had gotten some furniture from Ikea, got the carpenter to repair the shoe cupboard and hang up our family portrait, there is a possibility of moving again.

The story of my life really. We move whenever I form roots. So much so sometimes I do refrain from making friends.

All I ask is that Allah put us where ever he thinks is good for us. A place where we can grow and be happy.

Pardon me if this space will be unattended for awhile. I'm trying to make some sort of order in my world of uncertainty.

But one thing I am certain, change is inevitable and it will be good for me.

I feel for her

Out of the blue we managed to talk again. Its been awhile but I know I’ve been terrible at keeping in touch.

But things haven’t been too good for her. She is still with HIM. Its her choice and its not up to me to judge. We all, individually, make our own decisions based on what we think works for us.

She has 3 young girls. Its not easy starting over with 3 young girls. I know some have done it but not everyone is as brave.

He promised to end things with the other woman. And she took his word for it.

Suffice to say, she found out later on that he actually married that woman across the border. He said he felt responsible for the other HER.

She says that she is happy that he is working abroad, out of the picture, and that he would send money every month to her bank account.

If I could talk to her again, I would ask her if she is happy with her life. I know she sticks with him because she thinks he makes her happy. Does she realize that he is the source of her grief? Does he realize that he is the source of her depression?

Personally, I don’t see why she would stay with someone who is controlling, who treats her like a door mat, who causes her grief and depression.

But I do understand why she stays with him. Because the children need their father and because it’s harder to start over looking for love.

Not many men will be interested in starting life with a 30 something woman with 3 young children.

He has systematically shaved down her feeling of self worth, her self esteem, her circle of friends, the support of family members and the exuberance she once had. He made her dependent on him. He made himself the center of the world, and she could not see the sunlight beyond his shadow.

Sometimes I feel like shaking her, asking her, why? Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you let him do this to you? And what do you think your children will get out of this?

But I know she is too fragile for those questions.

I do admire her steadfast nature and the love she has for her children.

If you are reading this, I want you to know, as a friend, I only want you to be happy. I’m not trying to jeer you or alienate you. Its not my place to judge you.

Instead I want to encourage you to make a better life for yourself and your girls. They are all that you have and they learn everything by watching what you do and how you deal with this crisis in your life.

Do not give let him control your lives. Love yourself more. You know you deserve all the love that you need and you don’t need that love from him. You can get it from you.

But the girls will need the love from you.

Take care of yourself and take this down time to take stock of your life. Your future is in your hands. The future of your girls are in your hands. Reclaim back that power before its to late.

What would you say to her?

How quickly time flies

As the weather gets warmer and summer draws near, we often lose a few friends we've made. I made this quilt for Hassania last summer and this June will mark one year of her going home.

Just last Wednesday we drove 4 hours for the oppurtunity to meet with C & J before J flies off back to Australia the following day. At first I thought we'd meet again because she thought she'll be here till July but she decided that she isn't coming back.

For J, the 6 of us swapped blogs and promised to sew our quilts and show each other the pictures. I finished mine in time but yet to see the other blocks for me to piece them together.

J has always been an inspiration to me. I can remember the day we met as if it was yesterday. She had just moved into the compound and had shown up for the quilting class. She was very friendly and told us that she was homeschooling her children. In turn we told her about another lady in the compound who was also homeschooling and they hooked up.

J would invite me to her house to teach us how to make bread. I remember that afternoon just like yesterday. I was pregnant then, so I waddled over to her place. The ladies gave me the cushiest chair to sit on while they made hot cross buns, bagels and pseudo chinese buns.

When I wanted to try to make some bread with her recipe (I said I but my beloved made the bread really while I watched) we borrowed her breadmachine.

And then there were her entrepreneurship. She had hooked up with K to make all sorts of crafts from cards to giftbags, placemats, oven mitts and chocolates to sell.

As J's farewell present to me, she gave me her breadmachine which still sits in the plastic bag she gave me in. That with some bread improver.

Already, I know S will be going back to the States this summer. Who else is next?

And it is inevitable that we will leave one day too. The difficult bit about leading this life for me is the constant packing and unpacking and the hellos and goodbyes to friends we made. The longer the roots, the harder it is to uproot.

The older I get, the more baggage I have, the harder it becomes to move. Now there are other considerations to consider; will there be good schools? a playground or a park for The Little One to play? is the city kiddie friendly?

If anything else, I know this much is true. I know we are adaptable people, the fact that we managed to get comfortable here meant that we could make ourselves comfortable anywhere. I know we can make new friends wherever we move, some we're still in touch with while others we know are somewhere about. We will take advantage of whatever is available where ever we may go.

Most importantly, we're together, supporting each other.