Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Of dreams and guilt

I had an odd dream last night. I dreamed that my teacher gave us the exam paper in advance, told us to take it home, go through it and we will sit for the same paper again after the weekend. In my dream I was anxious to have a group discussion on how best to answer the questions. But my friends were reluctant to have the group meet with me. They told me that it was a mock exam, the paper was last year's paper and the exam will be at a later date. I was tired an disappointed. The following day, instead of tackling the questions I called up my friend Rosse and asked her how she was.

I have been wandering how Rosse is doing. Hope she is doing OK.

I related my dream to my beloved. He pointed out that perhaps I am re-examining my life.

And its true, I have. I am pondering at the possibility of moving again. If we move, we move, I should have no fear, we used to do it every 8 months or so. But we haven't heard any news. Just wait and see.

Two days ago, I felt insanely guilty. I felt guilty because I sent AM out to play with the housekeeper. They went to the underground skate park to play while I quilt whilst watching them on the CCTV. I should be there playing with her myself but I needed some time to quilt.

Quilting is therepeutic for me. Makes me use my mind, my creativity, my hordes of fabric and my new sewing machine. I had a quilt guild meeting that evening hence the last minute sewing to bring my blocks in.

Its terrible feeling stuck and guilty. When I quilt, I feel guilty that I am not spending time with her, not stimulating her, not creating a new memory or recreating an old memory.

But when I am with her, I feel frustrated that I could not quilt.

But I had to remind myself that when I am with her I would give her 100% of my attention, and when I am quilting I would concentrate to avoid mistakes. Her mum needs to tend to some of her personal needs and personal growth. Only then she'd be a better mother.

4 comments:

Lollies said...

that is called recharge. you are lucky to have someone to help. I need it too.

anasalwa said...

sunflora,
I would like to see some of your quiltworks :)) quilting is sure therapautic. I like to put on Adagio and Baroque music when I'm working on my quilts. I find it my creativity flows continously. Right now I'm working on a baby quilt. A baby in a tub with a yellow duck.

ann said...

yes mommies deserve a break once in while... i will fully attest to that.

Mel Ija said...

Hi Sunflora,

I am one of the many bloggers who like to visit your blog.

Being a mother myself, I too wish that I can once in a while rest without having to pay any attention to my little one. But when I do that, I'd feel guilty. However, bear in mind that mothers need to RECHARGE their batteries once in a while so that they can perform better, mentally and pyhsically. So go ahead with the quilting. Throw the guilt aside... for a while..