Facing my cobwebs

The last two days was a bit of a struggle. The weather didn't help either. It was freezing cold, grey and wet. All the same reasons why I loved the city. With so little time and so much to do, we had to have lists written down, people to call, cheques to write out, appointments to arrange, keys to be handed over.

Making decisions was sometimes hard. Should we let go? With whom?

Meanwhile Danny the Decorator was making good progress with the painting of the apartment. Another decision we had to make but didn't anticipate. He didn't come cheap. Nothing did. But what do you do?

At first we were really depressed. The place we so loved was such in a dissaray. Unloved and not taken care of. It was a place built with love, hope and sweat.

Perhaps we loved the apartment so much precisely because we had to work extra hard to earn it. To save up for the deposit we had to put ourselves on a strict budget. Every penny had to be accounted for. I'm sure we still have the spreadsheet on a memory disk somewhere. How every penny spent is noted down and the budget adjusted accordingly.

On the days I bought the travel card which then cost GBP4.50, I would have to make sure that I will utilize it as much as I could. It could be the day I go to the market in Croydon, or my bus ride to buy meat, then for Italian class and even a trip to Tesco before heading home. We would both bring large rucksacks so we could stuff all the groceries and necessities in them. We could only buy what we could carry and each purchase would have to be considered seriously, is this a need or want? Its quite hard to struggle with groceries on the bus, you see.

I would normally buy whatever was reduced or on offer. Thats the only way to make the money go further. He would bring a packed lunch. And if we ate out, we would choose things that would last the longest, make us most full for the minimal spend.

Those days I often asked myself, what did I get myself into. We moved to the UK, into a life of penny pinching and public transport from a life of being chauffeured driven and eating out at top eateries in Jakarta. As I struggled with the weight on my back, I would remember the days when groceries were sent to the car and from the car to the apartment by the doorman. But it was a life we chose to leave behind. All for a greener dream.

As uncle Dean pointed out when we told him the story, sometimes its good to struggle a little in life. Makes you appreciate what you have better.

And he is right of course.

Which was why it was so hard to move out of the house. We moved out of the country 4 years ago but just could not move out of that flat.

I still remember how 6 years ago, we slept on the floor on a comforter on the first night we moved in with the patio door open. We had no furniture. But we were incredibly happy. We spent hours trawling about furniture stores, DIY shops, looking at what we want and deciding what we could afford. Once again, the trusted Excel spreadsheet was drawn up, how much we would spend on what and how we would get it home and how else we could get it cheaper.

We painted each walls ourselves. Still have the rollers and the paint tray in the store room. Each of that we did with joy and anticipation. Each choice we did together after hours or research and contemplation.

Which explained why we began to feel a bit different as Danny painted each room. He first started in the kitchen. The room that broke my heart when I got home. It just looked so tired and uncared for. I had spent many hours in that space, cleaning, cooking, thinking. The fresh coat of paint just lifted the spirits of that room. A new lease of life. A breathe of fresh air.

Danny also repaired the hole in the ceiling. Another item that we just kept at the back of our minds for a long time. Why we didn't get it repaired right away I don't know. Perhaps I was afraid of the damage it would cost.

And it was amazing how much stuff we still had there. The skip we hired got quite full. The old TVs got in there first. The TV was purchased within the first 2 months on our arrival. Luckily Curry's delivers.

Clothes, books, shoes were either sent to the charity shop or clothes bank. I still could not throw out or give away the Ecco shoes I backpacked in Europe with. My first Coach bag that was bought in Hong Kong was still in that cupboard. Good thing I checked the pockets before sending it off because it still had some money in it. For the longest time, I could not part with the bag because it was the first good bag I owned that DH got me when we were living in Hong Kong. But it was not something I would use anymore. SO I had to set it free to someone who could use it and give it a good home.

I had to smile when I saw that black rug sack sitting pretty in the window of Oxfam charity shop. Goodbye my dear. May someone else find you a great joy.

Lesson No 362, my memories stay with me, not with worldly personal possessions. If anything, the world is open for me to make even more beautiful memories.

Towards the end, I had to enlist the help of uncle Dean to get rid of the rest of our stuff. And boy we had so much stuff! Luckily he is a very keen gardener and was very keen indeed in inheriting all of our garden tools. We had everything, the hedge trimmer, the landmower, the compost, miracle grow, the nice hose, the extension cord. Everything he took.

He helped me emptied out the cupboard. Oh boy I bought a lot of candles. I don't know why I bought them when I hardly used them. Perhaps I thought I'd use them for a romantic dinner and/or cuddle or something.

Lesson no 363, no more buying candles! Unless I could use them to see my auras or something useful to that effect.

With Danny's progress each room was painted with magnolia walls and brilliant white ceilings. He did a good job and the apartment got a new suit, a new skin, a new feel. Each room became depersonalized, they were no longer the walls we painted with love and became a sign of old baggage being getting rid off.

I just had to close my eyes. What could fit in our bags could come with us, the rest well either went to Danny, uncle Dean, Kak Nor, the charity shop, the rubbish bin and/or the skip. Its almost like having my own Life Laundry episode.

Lesson no 364, need to trim down my clutter. I tend to accumulate too much. What is no longer used need to be recycled or gotten rid of.

If anything our struggle is nothing different that what most people have to go through each day. It is no way extraordinary. If anything it made us stronger and more aware of what we are capable of achieving as long as we set our minds to it and work hard at it.

So everyone kept asking me how my trip to London was. To that my answer is, I had to face my past and our future at the same time. Of course we had some sunny days and went to a few interesting places that perhaps I will blog about. But at this time, I am facing my demons. I have come to face the fact that I am a hoarder and I must stop hoarding.

And I will set the flat free, so that my tenant will live there and get the joy and happiness that we enjoyed, helping us save for The Little One's future. There are no more cobwebs of my inability to let go. I have moved on. And I will continue to move on.

From now on, I will make better choices. I will shift my life from shades of gray to beautiful living colors.

My beautiful child, I hope you will understand that good things in life don't just come in a platter to you. May you learn from our life lessons, not repeat them and achieve better than what we can. May you lead a life more extraordinary than ours, with each day bringing wondrous joy.

My darling dearest, we did this together before and will go through it together again if we need to. Thank you for traveling round the world with me. I love you and want you to always be happy.

I want to go hhhoooommmmeee

The little one seemed to be missing home. Don't blame her, its been topsy curvy here. At first we just thought she was tired of being out in the rain.

"Don't worry we'll be home in 20 mins," we assured here.

"Which House?" she would ask us.

"In Br0mley of course," we told her.

"No! I want the other home," was her reply.

Other home?

"In Riiyaad," she said.

She's been missing her friends so badly apparently. Two weeks without regular contacts with other children. I ried to bring her to Gymboree whenever we stayed home to do stuff. But I guess its different than being with other kids who were her friends.

It was also funny how she told the decorator, "This is my house."

It is definitely yours my child. Your future. Your college fund. And may both the house and you prosper together.

Lesson no 351 - Learning to let go of the past

Coming back was a bit of a shock to me. Especially the state of the flat. The house sitter had left in a hurry and his hurry was all too present. An unwashed mug with some coffee still in the mug. Crumbs everywhere. Even food in the fridge, now rotten. The kitchen was in an absolute mess.

Our bedroom was familiar but a bit dusty and musty. Its been awhile since any fresh air has come in.

The front door is flooded with mail. Thank God for double doors. Last thing I need are obvious signs that the flat was unoccupied.

A huge box stood in the living room. Packed but nowhere to go. No sign of the owner. No way of contacting him. Never got his contact details in Malaysia. Perhaps never will.

It was somehow depressing but we were determined to make things work.

Sadder still was going through past belongings. I decided that I was going to throw out everything. (Except my purse with 190 quid in it. That was a nice surprise.) But I've decided that I will not look anymore and just stuffed all my old clothes and things into garbage bags. the clothes can go to the charity shops and the other stuff just into the skip.

Not knowing how to contact the house sitter, we opened that box that stood in the living room. Sad actually. Things that could mean something to him but yet he could not throw away. Cards, old statements letters. Why does he keep them? I'll never know.

And he seems to love keeping old bottles. I understand the importance of recycling but he seemed to have 2 cupboardful of them. I mean if he had threw them out one by one, it wouldn't be a mountain of bottles he left behind. Perhaps he meant well wanting to recycle. Or perhaps he just got stuck on an idea but failed to work on it.

And the same for old amazon boxes. Had he thrown them out one by one as they came it, it wouldn't be collecting the way it has. Perhaps he has karang guni tendencies?

For me, he just could not let go. He could not move on. He never recovered since he got heart broken.

I was quite angry for awhile. Because a lot of the skip seemed to be filled with the stuff he left behind. I came back to deal with my stuff and instead have to deal with the stuff he left behind too.

I must have been so blind. He can't seem to be able to handle his stuff and why would I think he would be able to handle mine. Perhaps by allowing him under our roof, we did him a disservice. Allowed him to wallow even longer. But surely that wasn't my call.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I will take a leaf out of his book. I must determine how my past can help my future and not collect too much baggage with me. It is very important to move on. Learn my lesson and quickly move on. Not to dwell on past anger, helplessness and unhappiness.

How I deal with tomorrow is related to how I deal with today. I will deal with whatever comes today, today and not let them pile up into the mountain of bottles as aftermath.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If this seems familiar to you, you know how to contact me. Its not that I'm looking for money but perhaps it would be common courtesy for you to keep in touch.

And we are off

I am so not prepared. But I guess we miss this sort of last minute trips. We are off to UK today! Horay!

Amongst the things we want to do:

1) Visit Legoland
2) Pick strawberries
3) Whipsnade Animal park
4) Stonehenge
5)Woburn Safari Park

We will be eating

1) clotted cream
2) fresh strawberries
3) Fresh cherries
4) Delicious salads
5) Pierre Marcolini

But we aim to settle a few things this trip. Like mowing the lawn, trimming the garden, clearing out all of my personal stuff and polishing the house.

Its time to let the flat pay for it self. No more emotional attachment!

Wish us luck!

I'm going for an allergy testing. Hopefully I'll know more about my body.

I am having a mini panic attack actually. I seem to have forgotten my pin numbers for my UK credit cards. They have a chip and pin now. Boy I am in trouble! Back to chasing after trains and train schedules. Perhaps seeing a rain drop or two (oops can't find my umbrella!) Selfridges sale starts today. But perhaps its not wise to go hahaha. I bet Harrods sale has started too. But I have real work to do!

The Little One could not sleep last night because she so wanted to go to pick her own strawberries. In due time sayang. I hope she will be able to achieve her dreams all the time. This child of mine, when she has an idea in her head, it doesn't seem to go away. Not even geography can get in the way apparently!

My DH needs this break desperately. It will rejuvenate him, I'm sure.

Tomorrow will mark the 10 years we've been married, boy oh boy it only felt like yesterday. It will be lovely to go back and go to our familiar places in London. Things and times have changed. So have we.

I look forward to going home.

Sometimes people are sent to you for a reason

Su K is one of those people that would make some people uncomfortable. She is non conforming. She doesn't really care how she looks or what she wears and sometimes does say things that may throw people off.

And she hates TV. Which does kill off some conversations. Some people find her downright strange, others find her intimidating.

But I am beginning to find Su K to be a friend and a teacher. Her unconventional ways may not necessarily be my life style of choice but I do find that there is a lot I could learn from her. (Like premaculture which could be a whole different entry.)

I remember her coming to a quilt meeting and for some reason or other her driver didn't show up. I didn't want to leave her and her neighbor behind but could not offer to send them home because they live way on the other side of town and I wanted to get home before the Little One's bed time.

So Su K said, "Its ok just drop me off outside somewhere and we'll hail a taxi."

Now thats a big thing here. 2 women, one of them a white Amer/c@n, hailing a taxi by the side of the road of an unknown neighborhood. I was very concerned for them. But Su K was not frazzled. She took it in her stride.

I happened to hangout with her the other day and she told me a story about Bill.

Bill was someone she picked up on her way home from her University. There were very few houses in her neighborhood and to see a man walking while trying to hitchhike was something quite rare . SO Su K stopped and told him, "If you are not dangerous you can come in my car and I'll take you to where you want to go."

Su K was brave that way.

So Bill told her that he had come from Illinois and was in Kansas because he heard that his uncle was building a log house and needed help. He had hitchedhiked part of the way, walked the other parts and slept in the rough, under bridges and so on.

Bill's uncle's house was about 30 mins away from Su K's house and she drove him there, only to find, upon their arrival that 2 M3xicans were moving into the house that Bill thought belonged to his uncle. They did not know about Bill's uncle and no one around there could give him any information about his uncle.

So Su K decided to bring Bill home.

She told him that he is welcomes to stay in their farm There is a lot of work to be done and they would provide him with room and board in return.

As it turned out that at that time Su K's husband wanted to run a bed & breakfast business. They had a huge basement which was in a huge mess and needed to be tidied up.

Bill stayed. And it turned out that they needed to retile that basement and guess what? Bill was a professional tiler.

So Bill tiled that floor. Help them fix up the basement. When he finished Su K and her hubby paid Bill and bought him a bus ticket to get home.

She has never heard from Bill since of course.

I don't know if I will take my chances with people the same way Su K does, but Su K's story reminds me how sometimes it pays to listen to our instincts.

My fear of getting hurt make me stay away from people. But Su K's story just reminded me that I don't always need to be afraid of helping people who may need my help because I may need their help instead!

Goodbye Rochelle

Just before I got into bed, I realized that I had a text message unread.

"Rochelle died in a car accident."

It said.

I didn't know Rochelle that well, but that didn't mean that I wasn't sad or shocked. We met through other people. She had started quilting and wanted to buy fabric from me.

Then silence.

I heard from other people she packed her bags for South Africa, left an abusive marriage. Which was a bit of a shock to me because I thought they were doing all sorts of treatments to try for a baby. Which goes on to show you never really know what goes on behind closed curtains.

Death is such that it reminds you of your own. That we all are mere mortals and our day will come one day.

So while we're here, I should embrace each day as it comes. I should not dwell on the small and the unimportant things.

Its your special day

Wishing you a very happy birthday.

May each day be filled with happiness, abundance, joy and good health.

If I had my way, I'd buy you a Ferrarri and fly you over to watch a race. Perhaps its not yet time.

So for now, all I can offer you are lots of love, hugs and kisses. With a promise that I will continue to travel the world with you, where ever you choose to go.

Wishing you many more wonderful birthdays to come. Because you're the one I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with.


PS Kalau bawak Ferrari kang anak nak letak mana? Atas bumbung ka?

I'm motivated!

I am determined and motivated. Nothing stops me.

I feel great and am ready for anything.

I love life and life loves me back.

Today I am on top of the world, anything is possible.

I go for my goals and I reach them; nothing stands in my way.

I am not afraid of anyone or anything; I feel confident and assertive.

Today I start my fabulous new life.

I believe in myself 100 per cent and I am not ready to live my dreams.

I never make excuses, I do things on time and I keep to my word.

I am so lucky to be alive.

My full plate is decorated

What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

Allah may plan a sequence of events that appear to be unrelated and coincidental, that I can only call Fate.

Sometimes I may momentarily forget that there is a silver lining behind every cloud.

But here I am today, glad and happy, thankful and grateful, that everything is mapped out for me, for the good of things.



Allhamdullilah

My plate is always full

"You are always committing yourself to all sorts of things," declared my friend, mentor and adviser.

I thought about it for a moment.

And she is right of course.

I seem to have a knack to take all sorts of things on. Sometimes without thinking and later realizing that perhaps I had bitten off more than I could chew.

Could it because I am trying hard to please everyone around me? Not really, I have kept people whom I think bring negative energy at an arm's length.

I guess I like the challenge. I like trying out new things and testing myself to the limit. There is a thirst inside me that says I am capable of more, just not realizing that I am human afterall and have my limits.

I seem to pack my schedule full to the brim and if I don't program things in my schedule I may forget.

But I do enjoy the company of my quilting friends. Their creativity and willingness to help, with regards to quilting or otherwise, just warms my heart that I feel that I too want to contribute my worth. With them I always feel that I learn something new, some thing different, be it about sewing, culture and life in general.

As a result I sometimes seemed to have neglected my "other" friends and neighbours. And may have even offended a few.

I have since decided that should they feel I am not good enough to be a friend to them, then it would be their loss, not mine. If they have some issues to deal with within themselves, I must not undertake to accept these issues as mine but rather see it as theirs.

I cannot help people who cannot help themselves.

If I appear to be selfish because I want to keep positive people and positivity around me, so be it. I need to love myself first. No one will love me if I don't love myself. And to love myself is to protect myself from harm, hurt and grievances.

I will be true to myself and accept that there are others who have different views about life and friendship than mine. I don't believe in teaching others' a lesson. Thats not my place.

I've had a tough month behind me and I may have a tough road ahead. But what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.

I will live and let live. So be it.

The questions have started

At age 2 and a half, The Little has started the incessant why and where.

"Mummy where is your Mummy?"

"She is not here."

"Where is she?"

"She has passed away."

"Oh."

"Daddy, where is your mummy?"

"Wan?"

"Yes."

"She is in Malaysia."

"Oh."

"Mummy, is your mummy here?"

And the cycle starts over again. Perhaps death is not yet a concept she could understand. And I suppose it puzzles her that I don't have a "mummy."

And calling us Mummy and Daddy, thats purely, 100% her own choice. She rotates between Abah & Ummi and Daddy and Mummy.

And then there's Mongku.

Who is Mongku you may ask. I wondered too. From what I can gather, Mongku is a boy who sleeps in her bed which is next to us. I am Mongku's mummy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

She has also learn to interpret emotions from facial expression.

Just the other day, I caught her poking her paint brush at the domestic help. It wasn't in a mean, rather cheeky sort of way. I quickly reprimanded her for doing so because I do not want her think that its OK to poke people, even if it was gently with paint brushes.

"But mummy she is laughing!" She declared.

She was right though. The Domestic help didn't take offense to what The Little One did and was laughing at her antics instead. And The Little One felt that she was encouraged by the laughing.

She is definitely testing her boundaries to the fullest!

The girl with the (faux) pearl necklace

She's come a long way. From hating separation and school, she now readily goes to school. Its not that I want her educated in terms of reading and writing sort of way. I wanted to give her the opportunity to interact with other children without clinging on to me. I didn't want her to have the only child syndrome, spoilt and do not know how to interact with other children their age who behave inappropriately with other people.

Its wonderful to see that she is well liked by her peers. I mean of course I know my child is charismatic and agreeable. But to see her exuding leadership qualities at a young age is just something else. I guess she could just be bossy but amazing still is that other children want to be with her. They want to do what she is doing and greet her with such enthusiasm and joy. To have friends who like you at such an early age is surely a wonderful thing.

Last week they had a "graduation" day. The Little One of course decided that it was her most disagreeable day. Luckily enough we managed to muster this photograph. I was in two minds about the picture. On one hand I wanted her to look exactly as she does normally, a little bit mucky and a little bit cheeky. At the same time I wanted to dress her up in one of the beautiful frocks gathering in her closet. At least we'll remember that she had smocking dresses.

There is a story to the pearls she wore. It was given as a souvenir from a friend on our roadtrip to Madinah. I had wanted to buy the faux pearls because they were sold by Chinese looking young girls just outside the Majid with two qiblat. Unfortunately I didn't have small change then and another lady bought them as a gift for me. It just touched me that girls at such a young age are selling stuff perhaps as ways to help bring food in for their family. Its much better than begging I guess.

And it was My Little One who requested to wear these pearls I almost forgot and kept away in a drawer.

I almost think that The Little One knows that the pearls serve as a reminder to me how fortunate we are and how grateful I am to my Creator for all he has given to us.



My Little One I hope that you will always lead a life full of happiness and privilege. I know you will understand that it is through prayer, concentrated intent and hard work that you can achieve all that you want in your life.

I will embrace new adventures

I must remember to be brave and embrace adventures as they present themselves to me.

I always pride myself in taking off beaten tracks and paths less travelled, so when opportunity arises I will stand up, face the sun and accept the challenge.

I have done it and can always do it.

The best is yet to come.

Oppurtunity of a lifetime?

About twelve years ago, we were shopping for our wedding and engagement rings and some pink diamonds were presented to us.

I was young and naive and did not do my research. Back then the Internet was not as extensive as it is now.

Not knowing what pink diamonds were, I turned down that opportunity to pick them as my wedding ring.

I love the ring that we chose. But at the back of my mind I will always remember that instance as the ignorance of my youth and my lack of knowledge. It was an opportunity that presented itself to us, out of the blue, but I didn't take it up because I didn't know any better.

If anything it was a lesson that I kept. That I will not stop my quest for knowledge and to learn more about the things and the world around me such that if I stumble a treasure by chance again, I will grab that opportunity and not let it go.

It appears that on the 10th year of our marriage, (I still can't believe that its been that long) another opportunity of a lifetime approaches us.

I can still remember that instance when I saw the pink diamonds, it was "Oh really? Ok. Whatever."

Now these treasures are presented to me, with the possibility of me owning them. My initial thought is that we don't know enough. And even with the internet I don't seem to know enough.

Their owner is selling them because she wants to put her child through University.

And me? I am still undecided. But I am very grateful the opportunity is presented to us.

Pasta class

I have decided that I am a bit obsessed with food. Luckily for me my DH is a bit like that too. When he saw Chef Marrianne M's flyer for the pasta class, he encouraged me to sign up.

So I spent one morning with The Chef and 10 other ladies making pasta.

First Chef Marianne showed us how simple it was to make gnocchi.



Gnocchi will always remind me of my Italian teacher back in London. Its fast and easy to make and reminds her of the comfort of home cooked meal.

The recipe for Gnocchi

1/2 kg potatoes
1 egg
170 g flour
2 spoons of grated parmesan
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
salt and pepper

Boil the potatoes with skin on. Drain, peel the skin and press the potato through a sieve. Mix the potato with flour, eggs, parmesan and nutmeg.

Roll the dough into a slim cylindrical shape. Cut them up into 1 1/2 cm pieces and dust with flour to prevent them from drying out.

To cook them, put them in boiling water. The gnocchi will float to the surface when they are ready.


The gnocchi is served in a meat ragu tuscan style. Its delicious!



Then Chef showed us a fussy-free method to make pasta. And I have to say I am enthralled by her pasta attachment for her Kitchen Aid mixer. I've never seen this attachment before as previously I have only worked with the manual one. And I can tell you that this Kitchen Aid makes pasta making a breeze!



From the pasta sheets, she showed us how to make tortellini and ravioli. Usually its tortellini when the filling is meat and ravioli when the filling is cheese.

In this case she used a combination of ricotta, cream cheese, grate parmesan and the lemon peel.






The meat tortellini in asparagus bouillon was really wonderful. It was light and fresh especially with the crunch of the asparagus.




The ricotta ravioli in red pepper sauce was a little bit sweet because I accidentally tipped the bag of sugar in the saucepan. I found the sauce familiar yet unique as I have never quite tasted the red pepper sauce.


Guess which kitchen gadget I'll be looking out for next! ;)

Its amazing when ...

I smile, not to other people but myself, other people begin to secretly smile with me.

I am relaxed, I take my time, people too are kinder, gentler and more helpful.

I am generous, the returns comes back to me two fold, sometimes when I least expect it, from people I didn't expect from.

The things I was looking for suddenly show up, without me having to look for them too hard.

My child, I promise to listen to you more

We were having lunch, just the two of us, DH was off to Dubai on business trip. I was missing him terribly.

Out of nowhere, she said,"Abah is happy."

Really? I wondered.

"What about you?"

"Not happy." she said a matter of factly.

"And umi?"

"Not happy," she declared.

(We were both missing him that Friday where we would normally have lunch as a family.)

I was curious, so I texted my DH.

"Your child says that you are happy. Hope you are having a great time."

And his replied was, "My daughter is psychic."

Apparently he was happy because the meetings were over.

The beauty of the uncluttered mind. How instincts have priority over knowledge and logic.

Its just amazing how she would just know when I would leave her or when my mind is preoccupied with something else. Just this afternoon, as she was having her afternoon nap, I decided that I would take the afternoon bus out. Just as I grabbed my bag, she woke up and cried for me.

I will remember that you have strong instincts my child.

And I hope your instincts will bring wealth and abundance to your life my love, not just material things but wisdom, love,golden opportunities and friendship too.


*****************************

Guess what I found when my back was turned?



Her first attempt at wearing lipstick. Perhaps you'll get better as you grow older?

G@rda and her art of positive thinking

I firmly believe that sometimes my path crosses with certain people for the sole purpose of me either to learn a lesson from or with them. And my 30 minutes chance meeting with G@rd@ became a light bulb moment for me.

I had gone to visit my friend Ev@ to touch base. Apparently she and some ladies had sewn a quilt for G@rda as soon as they heard that she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had opted for mastectomy. Apparently G@rda had made the decisions to ask for both breasts to me removed within 2 weeks of finding out that she had breast cancer.

I didn't know G@rda before but tagged along for moral support. Only to find out that it was I who was about to receive a life lesson from her.

She greeted us at the door with a smiley and cheerful voice. I didn't believe that this was a lady who had just been discharged from the hospital for 2 days after getting both her breasts removed. She welcomed all of us into the house and asked us to make ourselves comfortable. Ev@ and the ladies gave her the water-colour heart quilt and I could see that she was very touched.

Cheerfully she said, "I'm sure you all are curios and want to know all the gory details and I shall share them all with you."

When we asked her how she was doing, she answered very cheerfully, "Very well."

"You know, I was thinking that of all the parts of my body that I could lose, my breasts are the parts I don't mind losing. I don't need them. I'm glad its not my legs or my hands or my eyes. I didn't need my breasts. And I felt really glad about that."

"When i felt pain and was getting depressed then I told myself to imagine the other people in the hospital like me. I'm lucky that I only lost my breast, the poor man in the next room lost his leg."

"When I felt the pain was unbearable, I thought about the poor babies in the NICU in the hospital with all the tubes and everything. Then I felt much better. My pain is nothing compared to the pain they must be experiencing."

I just sat there in awe, at this woman who has nothing but positive things to say about her situation and her pain. There was no twinge of regret, or the why me, but rather of gratitude. Gratitude that she found the lump early. Gratitude that her operation went OK. Gratitude that she had good Doctors.

She told us that the lump was found on only one breast but she insisted that the Doctors removed both breasts and made decision within 2 weeks. She even insisted on going to the toilet herself after being roused from the operation rather than using the catheter. Within a few days she insisted on walking rather than being pushed in the wheel chair like an invalid.

Never have I met someone so strong both mentally and physically.

G@rda, thank you for the life lesson. I will keep myself positive and will always be grateful with what I have or even don't have. Whatever I think my problems may be, there are others whose problems are much bigger and more serious than mine.

Watching her, a tower of cheerfulness and strength, I am convinced, more than ever now, its always the mind over body. What the mind thinks, the body agrees.

Once again, I am humbled by the beautiful life lessons given to me.

Another roadtrip, R/yadh, M@kkah & Jedd@h II

Jedd@h, in one word, is just so relaxed. I was constantly amazed how relaxed the families were sitting in different clumps by the beach. I have expected the religious police coming to round them up, telling them that they mustn't look too happy in public or that no family should sit together, must be separated, the men from the women.

The restaurants had no partitions, no curtains and there were quite a few women without their face covered.

Just shows how different the city I live in is compared to Jeddah.

I had a naughty notion of staying at the Movenpick Hotel on the second night. Very inviting the idea of a chalet facing the sea. We went to the reception asking about prices. We did decide a budget before hand. Alas the room was slightly above our budget but the nice guy at the reception obliged us with a peek at the rooms. A good sized bathroom, a decent shower bathroom cum laundry room, a kitchenette cum spacious living room, and outside, a private pool facing the sea! Imagine sleeping with the sound of the waves! Its obvious that we've been landlocked for too long.

We decided that we would stay there the next time we come to town. It would be a wonderful treat!

To make us feel better, we treated ourselves with a decent dinner buffet at the Al-Wadaa restaurant, a waterfront dining experience. It was refreshing eating mussels and fish with the fresh sea breeze flowing. They even had music there! I was just so amazed!

All through dinner all I could think about was Alhamdullilah! Praise to Allah for the joys he has given us in our lives. It is a wonderful treat when we don't have to worry about paying dinner when not too long ago I was debating if I should buy a sandwich or save that money for groceries! Alhamdullilah indeed! We have it good.

The next day we were ready for our long drive home. For some reason my DH who normally has an impeccable sense of direction had a difficult time getting us to the right track. Due to the heavy traffic on the highway to M@kkah (this being a Friday before Friday prayers) we decided to take the scenic "obligatory for non-muslim" road to Taif. The view was amazingly spectacular. Kept kicking ourselves for not bringing our camera for this trip. The mountain range against the beautiful blue sky was just spectacular.

The sky so blue, the road was mainly empty and there was even a beautiful glimpse of a shepherd with his donkey as we drove past a Wadi.

We were very surprised that the road to Taif was so quiet. We assumed that it was because it was Friday. We were hoping that it wasn't the winding road. but alas, it was the winding road, very quiet though and even the checkpoint was unmanned.

The view however was spectacular. The previous times we took the road was from Taif to Makkah, with impatient traffic, sometimes in the dark. It was difficult to concentrate on the views then. But on this amazing Friday we could enjoy the glorious beauty of Allah's creation.

Until we discovered that the rest of the road was closed that is!

Determined to push on, we drove back towards Makkah. Perhaps our impatience, our desire to avoid the Friday traffic got the better of us. Or perhaps we were just given the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful scenery.

Eventually we made back into the boundaries of Haram and I said a quick prayer. All I asked for is a speedy drive home so that we will arrive home quickly, safely.

That detour into the boundaries of Haram did wonders! We arrived home just short before isya', enjoyed the wonderful dinner the bought on the way home and had a restful night's sleep.

Roadtrips like this one reminded me of the many drives we used to make. A bit different now with the addition of The Little One who has brought nothing short of joy and happiness to our lives.

I came back with a new peace. Peace with myself with the small niggling voices banished. Alhamdullilah life is good and InsyAllah the future will fall in place.

Another roadtrip, R/yadh, M@kkah & Jedd@h I

My in laws came and stayed for three weeks. The trip was a bitter sweet one for them because upon arrival here, MIL found out that her 97 year old mum passed away. To say that her death was not expected, she had postponed the trip a few times, partly because she thought the end was near. Just as she felt that the old lady was better, she went.

She went with the knowledge that her daughter would be playing with her granddaughter, the much awaited great-grand-daughter.

Since they were playing with MH via Jedda@h, we planned it such that they would get to perform umrah first before flying off home. The 10 hour drive was very bearable. My Little One behaved very well. Between 2 naps, singing, Dora and Elmo, we made through the trip. I am very proud of her.

We got a little lost finding the Miqat. Partly because I would normally have preferred the Miqat in Taif, less crowded. This time round the miqat was not busy at all, partly because it was midweek and partly because it was only after Asr.

When we arrived in M@kkah once again the roads confused us a little bit but Alhamdullilah we managed to find our hotel. Hotels in Makkah now are at premium price, especially those closest to Masjidil Haram. Alhamdullilah Le Meredien was just as nice and an easy walk to the Masjidil Haram.

Although it was not my first time, in fact, everytime I went into Masjidil Haram, I went in with a little bit of trepidation. There is something about the place that creates fear before you go in but awe and enlightenment when you are in there in person.

And to see the throngs of worshippers and the majestic structure of the Ka'abah, so near and within reach yet so monumental with people hanging at each and every space.

I did my tawaf with gladness, sadness, humbleness, hope and acceptance all in one. Very difficult to describe the feeling really and each person would have to take this journey his or herself to experience it. I felt at peace and there is a certain feeling of rejuvenation at the end of it.

The energy in that place is just amazing that even the little one obliged. We carried her in the Ergo during the tawaf and not a peep was heard from her. It was as if she understood. In fact, the following evening she expressed her desire to be near the Ka'abah.

Perhaps due to the warmer weather, the tawaf area is very crowded at night compared to the day. There was a mad rush for space during prayer hence we decided to go to the second floor whenever we could. There was even a place where you can borrow free wheel chairs. Yes borrow not rent.

Of course when one has finish the Sa'i and didn't bring scissors, be weary with whom you borrowed the scissors from. Some "well meaning" child may fleece you for the rental of their scissors. Some ask as much as 10 r/yals. If you are patient enough you could buy scissors for the same amount at nearby pharmacies or the Bin Dawood supermarket in the Hilton building.

The new face of M@kkah can be seen with the shiny new Al Bait shopping center just opposite Gate 1 . Wheelchair friendly (no steps to get into the Mall) with 3 elevators to bring you up to the foodcourt. And trendy shops. Not just shops selling Ouds, attar or dates. But Mothercare, Bodyshop, Sephora, Debenhams, Claires, Next and lots more. I didn't pop in the shops myself but was just so amazed with the new state of the art building.

We left M@kkah with high hopes that we will return soon. And was excited to go to Jedd@h.